What It’s Like Being Single And Complicated At 23

I am as hopeless as a hopeless romantic gets. I’m a chaotic mess of anxiety and optimism. I overthink everything from what creamer to try to what I’m doing with my life at 23.

I can find beauty in being stuck in the rain and being stuck in traffic. Yet I can’t stand being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t make my heart explode, or being stuck between cheeses at Whole Foods.

I am overly sappy and the girl that smiles when she makes someone cry from a birthday card. I’m the girl that all the cheesiest romantic movies (that go straight to DVD) are based on.

Yet all these emotions that battle for room in my heart have made me stronger. Being sentimental and in tune with empathy has made me wiser than I otherwise could be.

I have my good days, my bad days, and then there are some filled with grey. I try to fill the grey ones with cat memes and the Lego’s “Everything Is Awesome” song.

I like to think that I’m filling the passport of my heart with adventure, and that getting lost on purpose would fill me with joy instead of unhinged anxiety.

I’m also the girl that has nothing figured out, but maybe sometimes seems like she does. It could just be my overdose of caffeine or that I’m constantly daydreaming, but either way it’s been a hell of journey being single.

Sure there are days when I miss having a place in someone’s heart. For now I’m focusing on learning about my own. It’s been a serious puzzle, and I honestly have to admit I’m probably hard to love.

Because basically… I’m complicated as f*ck.

One moment I could be all in for something, and in one second I’m finding every indecisive excuse to get out of it. One moment I could share a quote and feel empowered, and then do the exact opposite of whatever powerful hashtag I included.

I’m an anomaly. I’m a mess. I’m a little bit of everything, but with a warm heart and naïve dreams. Recently I’ve decided that all of these things are okay (even the fact that I’m still a failure when I try to flirt).

It’s okay that the lines of my palms are sometimes filled with mistakes, because there are successes that have shaped them along the way. It’s okay that I have no idea what I want, but could fall in love at the drop of that hat on the sidewalk.

I will chase dreams but I will forget to sleep. I will walk a hundred miles but I’ll do it in the wrong direction. I’ll also do things right, and maybe sometimes they’re on accident… but I’m a rambling fault with good intentions.

I want to see the whole world, but sometimes I ignore the view from my very window. Sometimes I want love so much that I ignore it when it comes, ignore it when it leaves, mourn it when it is gone, and close my eyes when it’s forthcoming.

Crazy, right?

Well, that’s me. And for right now, this is the “me” I want to be – a little wild, a little naïve, a little sassier than I should be at 23.

I am proud of my dismantled traits that probably make absolutely no sense. It’s been fun getting to know the girl that someone will soon fall in love with. Because that’s the craziest part of all, you know.

Someone out there is going to fall for you and never let you go – and it’ll be because of all the things that don’t make sense. It’ll be because of the past that shaped you. It’ll be because they want to figure out how you could be the biggest irony they ever knew.

So be you, stay you, and for God sakes don’t change you. Embrace the weird, the awkward, the clumsy, the sane and the insane. Take pride in the triumphs, smile extra bright, and take care of your foolish little heart.

Because don’t you know? Someone is going to fall crazy in love with all the crazy in you. TC mark

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