So, like, what went wrong? It’s been a total of two days and I haven’t heard from you. I already had our first date picked out, and I’d really hate to change the reservation.
Did something awful happen? Are you okay? Should I find you on every social media channel to make sure you weren’t’ kidnapped or involved in a tragedy?
That has to be it. It couldn’t possibly be me. What wasn’t attractive about my 3am hair flip that landed in the whiskey you bought me? And how could you possibly resist the dance moves I whipped out in public – I know I hooked you then.
So, like, why haven’t you texted me? Did your phone break? Oh that must be it. It’s probably sitting in rice right now and you were typing to me before you accidentally dropped it in water.
I bet that if I had your number those awful three blue dots would be consistently dancing on the screen. I have faith in that rice though…. But what if you phone can’t be saved, and you didn’t back my number up to iCloud?
Well, at least it wasn’t me. What wasn’t alluring about asking for macaroni and cheese? If only I remembered whether we discovered you were friends with my ex before I ate the ice cream I found in your freezer…
Oh well. Destiny brought you to that dimly lit bar and I’m sure I’ll see you through the smoky air again. We’re, like, totally meant to be. I have a cat, and you drive a jaguar… It’s obviously written in the stars.
Let’s be real though. Your dog also really liked me. That must have been a good sign. Man’s best friend loves…. Girlfriend? Yeah, that’s the vibe I got, too. No worries though – patience has always been my strong suit.
But if seven days goes by, I may or may not send out a search party. No way I haven’t heard from you by then. We share a love for Netflix – a bond like that cannot be broken overnight.
Why else would you compliment me so much when all of our friends left the bar? You’re obviously planning that first date, and definitely looking into the future when you told me I was perfect the first time we met.
Ugh, so perfect. So, like, I really hope something didn’t go wrong. Obviously it didn’t, but I’m just saying. There’s only so much I can take of looking at my phone waiting for the Facebook friend request.
Really though, I hope you’re okay. It absolutely has to be some dire circumstance. To show you my faith in our past-midnight encounter… I’m not giving up. After all, you showed me a tour of your house and said my eyes were pretty.
We can totally celebrate your rise from the dead when you take me out. Don’t worry – I’ll definitely understand whatever happened. I’ll just continue my love for Netflix and felines until then. Maybe I’ll throw in some strawberry ice cream for good luck… yeah that ought to do it.
Aren’t you relieved I’m already willing to forgive you ahead of time? After all, I owe you for buying me ALL of those drinks. Such a kind heart you have to treat a stranger like that. Really, your parents must think you’re an angel – I cannot wait to meet them.
Oh-my-god a random number just texted me!
F*ck. How much longer does that rice have to soak you think?
Disclaimer: the above may or may not be loosely based off of real-life events