Her, Him and Me

It was a very different kind of relationship. We did not go on dates, he did not shower me with presents but our emotions were deeper than this worldly superficiality. It was as if our souls were intertwined with each other. We understood each other in words and silence. I surrendered myself completely to him-physically, mentally and emotionally. To say that I loved him would be a fallacy. What I felt for him is still a mystery to me. Was he a friend, a lover or just the means to satisfy my lustful desires, I don’t know. What I know is that he was the only person who could read me like an open book, he was the only person with whom I could share my darkest secrets and not fear being judged. He was my best friend, my guide, my mentor, my lover all combined in one. He was not perfect, neither was I; it is just that our imperfections were purely compatible with each other. I would not say I was basking in happiness till she came along, but I was stable. We were stable. We had our issues, he feared commitment and I feared his fear of commitment. But in the past 4 years of this strange relationship of ours there had never been any other individual who had been the object of his affection. I held a special position in his life. With me he was different. It was as if I was the mirror in which he could see his true reflection. I was his home, no matter how far he seemed to be but at the end of the day he came back to me. But, then one fine morning, he announced that he has started liking another girl. I was shocked. I had never imagined that this too can happen. We broke up and I was left with charred emotions and a burning question: Where did I go wrong?. It was no longer us but only me who was left alone with a tumultuous mind and scattered pieces of heart. My friends supported me by saying phrases like “we had told you so” and “you are worth much more” but deep inside I was a jumble of regret, confusion, anger and even a little happiness. We were in the same college, so it was impossible to avoid him. He was everywhere and running into him at every nook and corner reminded me of the pain that I carried inside me. I did not want to lose my best friend over a break up but it was difficult being just friends with someone who knows your body and soul like a conscience residing in your own body. It took me two years to get over him.

Now when I think back, I am able to distinguish the two relationships- His and mine and his and hers. I was his best friend. I was someone in front of whom he could be himself. There was no fakeness when we were together. Our minds interacted with perfect clarity. He never felt the need to impress me and I never felt the need to change him. We were in perfect harmony, the way we were. But, we were equals. I never treated him with sycophancy or made him feel like he is the centre of my universe. He never did that too. There was an unspoken care in our words, eyes and actions. We knew exactly the amount of adulation we needed from each other. She, on the other hand was that love which he had never experienced. She loved him like a candle loves its flame. She adored him and made him the focal point of her life. His heart speaks a thousand words, his eyes transmit silent messages and I understand every single bit of it. I understand even the dustiest corners of his mind and the creasiest recesses of his heart. He told me barely ten lines about this new found interest of his and I understood what differed in my love and hers. She guards him, protects him, pampers him in a way I never could have. She is obsequious in her love while I was at an equal footing. I sought to win him through the union of our minds and souls and she seeks to win him through her unabated affection for him. I don’t know whether I was wrong or she was right. But, even if I was wrong in my way of loving him, I am happy that I found someone who knew me the way he did, who knew all my little quirks, who knew my soul and my mind like imprints on his hand and above all someone who gave me so much to remember.