If you’re a regular girl exactly like me (And all of you are!), you spent most of your twenties trying to date people that are too young for you. Sometimes you realized it too late, like when you tried to hop on the back of his tricycle and it broke under your weight. Other times, you could tell right away by the two puddles of snot that were drying under his nose, but you still went for it. Then one day, you grew up, ovaried up, and started dating grown-ass men. Here’s a list of foolproof ways to tell you’re literally dating a grown-ass man.
1. His shoes are a size 12.
2. He usually has hair around his penis.
3. He can’t ride those little mechanical horseys in front of stores.
4. His mom is old.
5. He is trying to eat a more healthy diet.
6. He is probably divorced.
7. His doctor says if he keeps working like this he’s going to have a heart attack.
8. His kids hate him. Also, he has kids.
9. He takes Lipitor.
10. He’s scary when he drinks.
11. He owns a lot of khakis.
12. He may have a hemorrhoid, he thinks.
13. He loves Sigourney Weaver.