I Can’t Seem To Stop Living In Our Memory

A couple holds one another on a pier overlooking a body of water and overcast sky
Elizabeth Tsung / Unsplash

It’s hard to walk in the place of memories. It’s hard to tread the path of nostalgia. I can’t seem to let go of or escape those moments that made my heart come alive, when I stole glimpses of you looking my way. It’s not easy to walk the road before me when the past still beckons me to look back, the ghost of our passion still haunting me around every bend that brings a reminder of your absence.

I feel hollow inside; almost as hollow as your eyes as I searched for something deeper all those many months before. Months I spent eating whatever crumbs of affection that you let fall during our brief time together. Always hungry, crazed for more of the little taste you’d give me. My appetite for you whet with each kiss, each caress, each careful whisper of tenderness that lay trapped within your guarded heart.

With every encounter, I craved more and more of you, yet the more time we spent together, the farther you drifted away. So far, that we could be in the same room and still miles apart.

Even still, even in all the pain of those months of back and forth, on and then off, I still find myself coming back to those moments of pure bliss. Where you let down the iron gates of your fortress and our hearts connected and love became a bridge.

I can still hear your laughter, the low tone of your voice, the way you’d moan when everything was just right. I can still taste you, feel the softness of your lips upon my body. The way you played with my hair and planted those soft kisses on the nape of my neck.

I can still see you smile, that rare, pure, genuine smile and it brings me joy to think that I might have made you happy even if it was short-lived.

And in all of this, I still see your heart, your fear, your pain you kept hidden behind your tired eyes. I can still see through and know you were right when you said you needed to be alone. I can still accept and honor the fact that you’re on a separate path than I am and that God still has more work to do in your soul. I can still respect that, and let you go.

I am just glad that for one brief period of time our paths collided and as dysfunctional and imperfect as it was, you set my slumbering heart alive. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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