Yes, let’s totally commemorate a day that marks the beginning of that time when white people from Europe came to this country and proceeded to annihilate an entire civilization of people (that was sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a holiday in which eating is the main event, and I enjoy the time with my family. I understand that some people have long-standing Thanksgiving traditions dating back to their Pilgrim ancestors, and that’s ok. Personally, half my family isn’t even from here, so we just kind of do it because what else are you going to do, nothing’s really open anyway. Might as well do a Cuban-flavored turkey.
2. The Holiday season starts way too early
Do decorations have to go up the weekend after Thanksgiving? I know you want to get in the spirit but please, just give me one normal week of non-holiday-infested December. PLEASE.
3. Black Friday
4. Battery-Operated Dancing Santa Figures
GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
It’s flavored, liquefied egg yolk. That is not a food. That is salmonella.
6. Holiday Shopping
When it comes to gifts, I like to go all out for the people I love. I enjoy the feeling I get from giving nice, thoughtful presents from the heart. I will go to the ends of the internet to find you That Thing. You know, that one thing you’ve been talking about for months, that special thing that is just so perfectly “you”. I will buy you the world, as long as I don’t have to leave this couch. Don’t make me go to a mall during the month of December. I can’t do it. Between the parking and the crowds and the beauty counter girl who wants to rub some kind of product on my face, I start to lose sight of what is even real anymore.
7. People Who Insist on Saying “Merry Christmas”
YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I CELEBRATE.
8. The Whole “Santa Claus” Thing
The whole concept of the Santa Claus story is just bizarre. You’re basically telling me that a strange, bearded man is going to break and enter into my house through the fireplace and eat my food? Sure, he brings gifts, but he also stomps all over your freshly-vacuumed carpet in his ugly shoes. He stalks you all year from his snowy lair where he forces small people, i.e. elves, into year-round forced labor in a toy factory. So be good, kids, and you’ll get stuff. Be “bad”, and you’ll get nothing. And this is a thing that kids are supposed to be into? This is basically grooming kids into being little future buying-machines, and places way too much importance on the acquisition of “stuff”. If I ever have a kid, she will be the kid that goes around telling other kids that Santa isn’t real. And I will love her for it.
9. Holiday music
As far as I’m concerned, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” is the only acceptable holiday song. Ever. And maybe “Jingle Bell Rock”. But only if you also do the choreography from Mean Girls.
10. New Year’s Eve
So expectations. Very anticipation. Much late hours. So few results. Every New Year’s Eve I tell myself the same thing. This is the year I’m going to become a vegan and lose 15 pounds. Neither of those things have ever happened.
11. White Elephant and Secret Santa gift exchanges
Why should I buy a gift for someone who was chosen for me at random? Or buy a generic one-size-fits all gift for no one in particular? I don’t know what this person likes, and I’m going to end up wandering the aisles at Target looking for something, anything until I finally settle on a decorative scented candle, and you’re probably allergic to it or something.
12. Aluminum Tubs filled with tri-flavored popcorn
At no other time of the year is it socially acceptable to give someone a tub of three flavors of popcorn as a gift. You can get one at any grocery store as you’re on your way to a Christmas party that you’d rather not be going to anyway. Like at that point, why even bother? Nothing say “Fuck this gift and I hate you” like a giant tub of popcorn. That is not a gift.
13. Ugly sweaters
So you went to thrift store and bought a gross, holiday-themed sweater that smells faintly of moth balls and cat pee for $3 because your friend is having an “ugly holiday sweater” party, and you want to look good. Or bad. I guess you would want to look as bad as possible. Right? Is that the point of those things? Is there a contest to rank and determine whose is ugliest? I’m not cool and have never been to one, so I wouldn’t know. But as someone on the outside, ugly, lumpy holiday sweaters make you look like, well…someone wearing an ugly, lumpy, holiday sweater. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I would still like to get my holiday freak on, and there’s no way that’s going to happen if anyone is wearing a crew-neck sweater with a bedazzled reindeer on it.