I have some exciting news to share with you. In just a few days, we are moving this campaign to Canada!
Are you inspired? I thought you might be. Recent polling indicates that many of you are contemplating your own moves to Canada, in light of our party’s dismal approval rating and skyrocketing public support for my opponent’s extreme far-right agenda, the so-called “Contract for a Mandatory Return to Simpler Times.”
You might assume that a rambling lunatic who dresses only in military fatigues, calling for an obviously impossible 200-year rollback of U.S. policy and cultural progress, would be easy for me to defeat in a general election. Indeed, our kickoff “Are You Kidding Me?” campaign was a direct reflection of that assumption, built on what we believed was a solid foundation of head shaking, snickering and visible exasperation.
When my poll numbers began to slip, we heard you and adjusted our tactics to present an even clearer message. We were understandably baffled when our “That’s Fucking Ridiculous” campaign caused my poll numbers to plummet, even as my opponent vowed to “finish the Vietnam” by issuing guns to newly-formed high school militias. My expert team responded again, rallying our dwindling but highly motivated base to stand behind our latest effort. Let me just take this opportunity to thank the hundreds of volunteers and donors who have supported the “I Give Up!” campaign over the last few months. You are the lifeblood of this party.
But the time has come to face the facts. It simply isn’t working.
That’s why I’ve decided to do something truly radical, a passionate gesture that will show the American people once and for all how serious I am about winning this thing. In order to demonstrate my commitment to the core values of this party, I am relocating my entire campaign to a country that has successfully put those values into practice.
Predictably, my opponent has taken the opportunity of this announcement to trot out tired accusations that I am un-American, in the form of sickening new attack ads. In one I am portrayed as a rabid Canadian bull moose, graphically impaling supporters of the Second Amendment while being harnessed and ridden by a raft of gleeful illegal immigrants. In another, a toothless actor wearing a gravy-stained hockey jersey suggests that I am seeking to replace baseball as our national pastime. He is then bludgeoned to death by a team of bat-wielding Uncle Sams.
Are you kidding me? These depictions, of course, are fucking ridiculous.
A lesser candidate might get angry. He might choose to fight back with similar fear mongering and violent imagery. But tell me: How do you damage the reputation of an opponent whose own memoir proudly chronicles his rise to fortune as the founder and CEO of a national network of puppy mills? You don’t. You take the high road. And in this instance that road is the Queen Elizabeth Highway, on the friendly side of Buffalo.
So with only one week left to go until the polls open, can I count on you to support our “Sprint to the Border”?
I want to make sure you understand the urgency of this situation. As I write this letter, our beleaguered campaign office has been completely surrounded by great hordes of my opponent’s supporters. Their numbers are growing by the day and those already here have begun forming a Winnebago encampment they are calling “Beheadquarters.” Several of our campaign interns have disappeared in recent days and local pizza delivery chains are refusing to answer our calls.
We need your help with this final push! It turns out that the expense of relocating an entire campaign staff and our families to a foreign country — accompanied by a private security force that will ensure our safe arrival — is surprisingly high. I simply cannot do this without you.
Let’s bring this home together, everyone. I have it on excellent authority that Toronto is a really awesome city.