Emotional abuse isn’t funny. And it also isn’t what you think it would be.
It’s not always name calling and being in charge of everything. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost a year. I thought I was in love, maybe I actually was. He was tall and quirky. If you had seen him only a couple times he would come across as the kid who always had something funny to say, the kid who was always down for a good time. He dressed slightly off because his clothes could never fit him and when he held my hand he would occasionally squeeze mine as if to make sure I was real. Everything was at my pace and he would remind me every day how beautiful I was. For the first time in my life I had felt like I could be loved by someone other than my friends. I felt like I could open up to this guy and he would understand where I was coming from. To the outside world we had the perfect hallmark relationship.
But he told me he loved me on our first date and instead of taking it as a warning sign that maybe he was growing attached too quickly, I took it as endearing and told him that I needed more time to get to know him.
One month into our relationship we were opening up to each other and he revealed that I was the only reason he was alive. He said once we broke up he was going to kill himself. He said that once I stopped loving him he wouldn’t have any reason to live and I felt so scared for him that I didn’t say anything to his family or mine. I began to worry when we fought, so I would never get angry at him and I would always apologize for everything.
When I left the job we both worked at and happened to meet at as well, he decided to do the same except when I found him a new job he refused to show up to it because he was afraid to lose anytime with me. He was worried that if he was away from me for more than one day I would meet someone new and break-up with him.
Nobody ever taught me that emotional abuse and manipulation can sound like “I love you” or “I want to spend more time with you”. I never thought I would fall and become victim in a relationship. I cut myself off from my other friends so that I could spend more time with this boy who could not pay for our dates or for his own gas because he refused to get a job and spend one minute away from me. I cut myself off from the people who I had healthy relationships with because I was scared of what they would tell me if I told them I was afraid of him when he got angry. I was afraid of him when he would lash out and break furniture or punch walls when I brought up the idea of taking a break.
Because of him I lost the first semester of my first year of college, I lost countless nights of sleep because I was too busy crying in the shower, I lost touch with friends who had needed me, and I lost the love for myself that I had worked so hard to discover. I lost potential relationships because he would call me knowing I was on dates and cry about how he had fucked up and was going to kill himself.
I don’t ask for your sympathy so please don’t give it, I write this message to hopefully have it be seen by at least one person who is going through this and to let them be aware that this is not healthy.
You cannot be responsible for someone else’s decisions in their life or the way they choose to live it.
You can only hope for the best for them and wish that they find purpose in their life. If someone you know and love threatens to hurt themselves and the reason involves you, you need to hang up and call the police to alert them of the suicidal threat and then trust that if they are going to hurt themselves the police will save them and if they are only using you then they will be ashamed and never contact you again.
You were an individual before the abuser and you will continue to remain a loved and wonderful individual when they are gone.