To The Love That Was Never Mine

Every time I hear Freddie Mercury sing,

‘I want to break free from your lies,

You’re so self satisfied, I don’t need you’,

I feel an abnormal rush of hormones. The feeling is so monstrous and raw, so unabashedly unapologetic. It stings of betrayal and heartbreak; broken promises and irreversible scars.

It reminds me of the first time you ran your fingers through my hair; the first time you kissed me in that public elevator in the dead of the night; the first time you said, ‘I will see you soon.’

It reminds of the first morning I held you as my little spoon and the morning two months later, when you said I wasn’t the one for you.

It reminds me of the first song we danced to, me holding your hand like you were my one and only diamond, my precious, my heartbeat. I remember how you looked away from my eyes, too scared to fall in love.

My best friend once told me that abuse doesn’t have to be only physical. So when the first time you called me a crazy lunatic for flying two thousand miles to see you, I should have known. When you were busy partying the night before my chemotherapy, I should have known. Oh! I should have known that I was just a line in your book while you were everything I could write about.

For so long I blamed myself. I blamed myself for being worthless, clingy and undeserving of you. I sat under the shower in the middle of the night, naked, wondering what more could I do. I looked at you with hope and love and all you gave me was a sigh of disgust. For so long I waited for a miracle, spent hours trying to beg you to not give up on us. Nothing worked, nothing ever will.

So when Freddie sings those lines so ferociously, I can only hope that he broke free. I can only hope that someday, I can break free from the lies that my mind has woven inside its little nook; from the love that my heart can give up anything for; from the teeny tiny little hope that someday you will fall in love with me.

Oh. How I want to break free.

I’m Jack’s complete lack of surprise!