1. You master the art of discrediting your discerning voice. You are in the wrong story!!! Your discerning voice is uncompromisingly consistent about your truth but you still choose to IGNORE it. For him you can live this lie, you plead with every resisting fiber of your being. You want to be with him so desperately; you are willing to sacrifice your inner peace and sanity to have him in all his forbidden fragments.
2. You fall in love with him, deeper than you ever have with yourself. He lights up parts of you that you have ashamedly kept in the dark your whole adult life, his existence giving you more pleasure than you get when you’re alone. You deliberately surrender yourself as a living sacrifice to have him. His voice takes precedence over your own; he unknowingly holds you at ransom without ever holding a gun to your head. You know you are trapped in what should be the most freeing encounter but still, you keep choosing him.
3. You have to understand even when nothing makes sense. Calls and texts go unanswered with no explanation. You know he has another life you seize to exist in, so you have to self-talk yourself out of your extreme neediness. He’s been upfront from day one about his madam and his expectations from your relationship. At the end of the day, it is all worth it; he always gives you the best time of your life. You are his reboot button, so you avoid causing him unnecessary stress. You are the long lost passion of his youth, so you are consumed with connecting with him like she never could. You are the complete fulfilment of his desires, this makes it okay not to speak up sometimes.
4. Your love for him becomes your greatest weakness. You knew walking in, that your relationship wouldn’t resemble any form of normalcy because there is someone he is shackled to. He never fails to remind you that your relationship is different because to maintain what you share, somethings have to be compromised. Your blind love demands that he always has the best of you without hesitation and you make sure to steer clear of all unnecessary squabbles.
5. He becomes a prize you are determined to win. In all the years it took to mould you into the woman you were proudly becoming; it only took one occurrence to flip over all that self-awareness and pride. You no longer enjoy looking at yourself in your reflective mirror because you can’t accept the accusations it holds against your soul. Your current reality is that you are in competition with another woman; all your energies are totally focused on staying ahead of her.
6. Everybody else in your life is secondary to his availability. His availability is limited to dribs and drabs and because of his oh-so exciting unpredictability, you’ve fallen asleep with your clothes on because he said he might come by later. You’ve disappeared from your mom’s 50th birthday party to meet him at a hotel. You’ve cancelled plans with friends because he’s not picking up your calls and he might try call in the middle of your movie. You don’t ever want to miss out on him; you wouldn’t forgive yourself if you did.
7. You always want to be his sexy thang He is with you because you are exciting and fun, you give him something that the madam cannot, and you need to keep the light in his eyes flickering only for you. Your relationship becomes too sexual; and sometimes all he wants to do is to devour you. You oblige, you want him just as much. You are the mistress, you feed his hunger. You are suggestive in almost all your texts because your main contribution is to be the complete fulfillment of all his needs and secret fantasies even if he hasn’t called in a week. You always wear the kind of lingerie he likes, just in case he wants one of your spontaneous titillating sessions.
8. You lose you, to keep him. Falling for him seems to have happened more intensely than with anyone else before him. This kind of love doesn’t wait for the other party to give consent; it is stupidly and abundantly given even when he’s made it clear he has no plans on catching ALL of you. You don’t lose yourself all at once in his love, it happens in bits and pieces that are not easy to detect at first. Slowly you acquire the immaculate skill of giving up chunks of your authentic self to keep him. Over time you forget what you deserve and what you are worth. Every day you choose him, is every day you don’t choose yourself. You surprise yourself often at how much you should be saying ‘no’ to but always end up saying ‘yes’ to please him.
9. You believe you deserve him more than she does. It doesn’t matter who she was before you fell for her man – a friend or a stranger – she is the one who is in the wrong for confining herself to a man that should be yours. You look at her with unforgiveness and resentment for the parts of him she enjoys, when you still cannot bring yourself to admitting you can never have. She embosoms your happiness with insignificant signed papers and a ring around her finger. You are obviously a clear indication that they shouldn’t be together anymore. He is yours; you are the stars in his eyes and the melody in his voice. He only belongs with you.