Dear God—I Trust You, Even Through The Pain

I spent many years trying to figure out who I was and what I was meant to do in this world, but you always knew. Before I was even created you knew me; you know who I was going to be. You knew my heart, my thoughts, and my dreams.

All of them.

You knew I would mess up. Multiples times. You even knew I would make the same mistakes more than once, but you remained by my side and I didn’t even know. Every time I was not honest or every time I took a shortcut. Every time I placed judgement on someone based on my own thoughts and expectations. Every time I did not forgive and forget.

You were always by my side. You did not judge; you did not hold a thing against me. You just loved me and waited patiently for me to open my heart to you. All you wanted was for me to love myself the way you loved me. Believe in myself the way you believe in me but I was so stubborn. I wanted to do things my way. Lean on my own understanding and my own thoughts. Fight all my battles on my own because I swore, I knew best.

But you knew this already and you continued to remain patient. You knew circumstances would change and that I would come to you. You knew that I would still struggle but you still would not give up on me. You would do what I asked of you but in your own way and in your own time. You wanted me to learn and to grow. You promised me the desires of my heart but you wanted me to understand that you would not just give me everything I asked for but you would give me opportunities to grow so that I could receive them on my own. You wanted me to trust you; give all my cares to you. Walk in your footsteps; allow you to speak through me. Study your word, your love, your mercy.

But I falter. Over and over and I ask for your forgiveness because I am realizing how much I love you and want to give you all the glory. More and more I began to grow; even when I do not understand the works you do in my life. Even when those works are SO hard and I think I cannot do it. You always know better and pull me through and I do not even realize it. Often you tell me “Be still and know that I am God.” But I just keep on moving; forgetting that it is you that covers me and guides me in the right direction. Not my flesh.

And yet you still stay by my side. You never leave me. Your love never fails and always fills my heart in my darkest moments. That is why saying these things is easy because I know it to be true. I know that no matter what, you will always remain there for me; to catch me. It does not give me permission to continue against the path you have for me but lets me know the road to you is open for me to follow. That road has holes, bumps and rocky mountains to endure but I am not to move by might, nor power, but by your spirit.

Every day is a blessing that you give and I pray to follow you closer more and more each day.