I get it. You want to meet your wife on the train. As the N pulls around one of those particularly jerky corners, Ulysses will fall out of her bag. Ulysses! The subject of your senior thesis. The only book you’ve ever read where no word went unturned. And she was reading it! It will only be a matter of time before the two of you are on the roof of some tall building deciding what to name your French Bulldog. Get over yourself.
It’s 2014. Today, you downloaded an app that is used to quit out of all the other apps open on your phone. Besides, online dating is a misnomer anyway. It’s not like your avatar is getting IPAs at some virtual poker table. It’s online meeting, and real life dating. And who are you to romanticize the train anyway? All the pretty girls on the train probably have boyfriends who could bench press you. Everyone just wants to ride to work in peace without having to discuss Irish literature or how you think they’re cute or if they want to “get coffee” at 7pm on a Tuesday. So stop worrying about your damn how we met story and start thinking about what favorite movie will make you seem refined, yet approachable.
Has it really come to this? In a city where you fall in love in every food establishment, you’ve given up on romance? There’s got to be at least a couple girls that would take enough pity to let you buy them some pad thai. What is tinder anyway? Kindling for the fire of love? Please. You’re a grown ass man. Leave your house. Go meet people by doing things. Join a jigsaw puzzle society or something.
You’ve got to open yourself up to serendipity — to the sounds you can only hear when your headphones aren’t in. It’s not that the on demand perks of e-seduction aren’t fun, but it’s changing what you look for, Champ. Let’s be real. If there is always an abundance of thumbnails and mini descriptions of potential lovers in your pocket, how deeply are you going to invest in any particular one?
You’re missing the point. The value of online dating is all about fast tracking the path to human connection. Do you think doing laps around some crowded bar is a better use of your time? What’s noble about shouting an introduction over top 40 music? At least online you’re meeting someone who’s there for the same reason you are. It’ll force you to come to terms with what you’re looking for and cut through the bullshit of the game.
Are you kidding? Online dating is the epitome of the game. It’s a numbers game. It’s a choose-a-profile-picture game. It’s a test-out-different-conversation-starters-that-prove-I-read-books game. Unless “what you’re looking for” is the perfect winking emoticon, your time will never be better spent staring at a small glowing screen.
The truth is real chemistry is built in person (and in RVs in New Mexico), but the Internet can be an awesome connector. So, why not give e-love a shot? Worst comes to worse, you learn a little about what you like and get to meet some interesting people. So from one hopeless romantic to another, online dating doesn’t necessarily mean you’re selling out, just make sure you’re not looking at your lap at the expense of making eyes with cute strangers on the train.