The Love I Thought We Had

Flickr / Richard P J Lambert
Flickr / Richard P J Lambert

Between kissing in the rain, which never even happened, to scenes of us embracing each other, speaking of longing and despair comes the reality of the love I had. Or, the love I thought I had. The love I had in my mind; the love that never really existed.

The embraces and scenes in the rain were actually tears after opening an app on my phone and reading the goodbye texts as they came. And they came, and they came. Until one day, it was real. He really did go.

He didn’t wave to me from an airport taxiway…he texted me goodbye. But of course, the taxiway scene seemed much more romantic, so I stuck with that as I went on with life. That was my biggest mistake

There finally came a time where I heard the sirens of the masses and I had to recognize it all for what it really was, and is. And what it is not.

And finally, what it will never be.

Sure, I felt it. I loved. I was the unconditional one. I’m the one who left everything at the drop of a hat and lost it all in the same manner. I was the naive young one who believed that, in between the truths of what happens in the normal scenario with a man such as himself, I believed that this time, that we were, undoubtedly, different.

Oh, the universe was on my side for sure!

Or so I thought.

You see, I thought I was smart enough to dodge the typical outcome of this scenario- the young girl such as myself, loving a bad man as he was. But no, I became the girl that I always shook my head at as an outsider looking in. And damn is it humbling! I know.

In my mind we were star-crossed, running through the field of flowers, running out of the taxi cab in the rain- lovers. Two people that I was so sure that the universe had brewed together in a story so flawed, so dangerous, but yet so perfect. I thought we were unstoppable!

The man who was my inspiration, my own muse, my idol even- he was everything to me, did not and does not even remotely, in even for a minute moment, feel the same. And I know this because I have not heard from him in about a year. Not a single word.

He was soul-flooding to me, and I was an afterthought to him. This, sadly, is what I’ve come to realize just recently.

Instead, I know the truth, but only by words and not by my heart. And that truth is, is that I am nothing to him but a source of entertainment. Always was, always have been, and probably always will be. And I’m just now coming to grips with that. Though it’s not easy.

But, you see, this isn’t a situation where all is loss. In the midst of the embarrassment that I ‘got had’ is the reality that it was a lesson I had to learn. There was no other way, and I owe the universe a big ‘thank you’ for giving it to me, and still leaving me with enough to love again.

And you have to admit, heartbreak changes you dramatically. It makes you think in such a wider spectrum of things, way more so than before you felt the weight of the world crashing down on you. And if you go deeper into the theory of “why” and “what” of the entire situation, you may even find out things about yourself that you never knew.

Instead of sitting of the shadows of my misery, I’ll sit in the warmth of knowledge of the fact that one day I will love again, this time, I will be able to pinpoint red flag.

And if I see red flags again, well, it’s up to me to figure out if I need to learn another lesson or if by now I’ve just about had enough heartache and I’m ready for the real taxiway-type-of -love.

I guess time will tell with that one. TC mark

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