WOOOOO boy is life f**ked up. I’m a sad person and for that I have myself and years of social trauma to blame. I wish it was helped by medication or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but alas it isn’t enough. The one and only thing that makes this life worth livin’ is Youtube videos of top ten countdowns from the X factor. Top ten angriest audiences, judges, or even the worst auditions ever. I can’t help myself. It brings me in from the cold with a blanket and a nice carmel macchiato. The following are the top five ways these heavenly videos embrace me with all that is pure and Holy.
“I’ve got raw talent.”
If there’s anything that makes me feel “cleansed” it’s Sharon Osbourne crushing the egotistical dreams of a person who says they have raw talent. Bonus points if they say it in a funky British accent. When that unwavering “confidence” transforms into hot hell-demon summoned cringe-anger; I can’t help but smile. They walk out that door in a rage and all feels right with the world.
When someone makes Simon Cowell so angry his middle part divides like the Red Sea.
This is a rare moment, so if you can see if it gives you all the more reason to live. It’s like Tommy Lee Jones figuring out there’s another movie that needs an old, disgruntled, and misunderstood sheriff character. When Simon’s eyebrows raise, he looks to the other judges, grabs his pen, and then roasts the contestant like a rotisserie chicken; that is my equivalent to crack.
Every time I hear that word in Simon’s voice, it gives me the strength to get out of bed and crawl out of my hole. It’s the only word that can destroy even the most egotistical white male privilege.
I take a breath each time a white lady comes in and compares herself to Whitney Houston.
That’s called meditation and focused breathing, look it up. Could also be a good part of a drinking game, but my therapist told me not to do that.
That uncomfortable feeling when someone doesn’t stop singing.
It’s like when you see a kid fall and you can’t look away. It’s sad, but they didn’t listen in the first place. Their dad told them not to ride too fast and it’s their fault they hit a dumpster. The judges start pleading them to stop, they do everything in their power to do it politely, but that never lasts long. It’s cringe level 500. Then suddenly, you feel the clouds part, sunshine somehow finds its way into your decrepit brain, and your serotonin comes out of hibernation.
In the end, you realize that these people are giving it their all to be in front of people who will judge everything about them. They have the strength to face their fears and put themselves out there and let’s face it, my depressed ass could never do that.