I’m a little excited about the Mean Girls musical that is currently being written. (And you are too, if you know what’s good for you.) Maybe I’m a little too excited. You know, since I came up with 29 possible Mean Girls The Musical songs. Don’t judge me, just enjoy.
1. “Kwaheri Africa”
A touching, piano-driven number. Cady is leaving her beloved Africa and moving to Illinois. Tears will be shed. Animals will frolic. And it will smash directly into…
2. “Talk to Me Again and I’ll Kick Your Ass!”
High school is nothing like Africa and Cady tries to navigate through her first day in this heart thumping, feet stomping, arms flailing opening number.
3. “The Same in Every Language”
In this adorable, catchy little ditty, Cady explains to her new biffles, Damian and Janis, why she loves math so much. There will probably be dancing mathematics symbols. Just because.
Cady might not ever know what she missed in health class that day, but these students will never forget. I’m envisioning students dancing at their desks and Coach Carr tossing condoms in the air.
5. “The Plastics”
You can’t have a Mean Girls musical without a number devoted to the Plastics. High kicks and being carried around by the soccer team will accompany this pop-star dance number.
6. “Guide to North Shore”
Where oh where should Cady sit? This cheerful song will help her navigate the cafeteria and learn all about where to sit and where not to sit. (Watch out for the sexually active band geeks.)
7. “Why, White?”
Karen is a lot deeper than she looks and this somber cello-driven ballad gives her a voice as she navigates racial tensions in high schools. Because why can’t you just ask people why they’re white?
Gretchen and Karen explain the rules of Girl World and, like, feminism, to Cady in this sparkly, pink, sequin driven rock number.
Similar to the opening number of Bye Bye Birdie, this telephone-tag number will have everyone dancing in their seats.
10. “Too Grool for School”
Because Aaron Samuels needs his own fucking song, alright? And there will probably be dancing cheerleaders.
11. “Let’s Rock This Bitch”
Regina George is going down. Janis, Damian and Cady have a plan. It involves foot cream. And this bad-ass, angry, rock number.
12. “You Go, You Go, You Go Glenn Coco!”
A fun, lighthearted holiday jingle about friendship, love, and candy cane grams.
13. “Don’t Look at Me”
Damian is beautiful and the world can’t bring him down. No, because this heart-soaring piano-infused rock song is bringing him up. Bring your lighters for this one, guys.
14. “Fabulous, Fantastic, Fetch”
Gretchen is just trying to make it happen and this pensive, thoughtful song will have you literally weeping in your seat. Fetch IS going to happen. IT IS.
15. “The G is Silent”
There needs to be a rap number. You know, to attract the young people. And Kevin G is just the man to deliver it.
16. “WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR”
Gretchen Wieners finally cracks. And she destroys a classroom in the process in this angsty, soul crushing, ear splitting (from all the shouting) song.
17. “Two Negative Integers”
Cady and Aaron are feeling the heat in this love ballad. Or maybe that’s just all the excitement from doing math.
18. “Snacks and Condoms”
Mrs. George delivers with her rock solid breasts and sexy-tastic dance moves.
19. “I’m A Pusher”
You really start to feel for Ms Norbury as she bares her soul is this emotionally wrenching and tearfully sung rock ballad.
20. “Three-Way, Reprise”
Boo, you whore.
21. “The Day I Wore A Vest”
Regina is rejected from the Plastics lunch table in this tense rock number. And what’s this, do we glimpse a softer side of Regina George?
22. “Cheese and Crackers for Eight”
Cady thinks she’s having a small get together but it turns into a completely wild, out of control song and dance number! WHAT?!
23. “Mean Girl”
I really think the only way to do this song justice is with an actual car on stage, driven by Damian, circling Cady as Janis and Cady shout/sing to each other. The circling car will mirror the rage of their song. So deep, guys.
24. “Rubbers Reprise”
If you have sex, you will get Chlamydia and die.
25. “Jungle Madness”
The stage will explode as girls go at each other in this emotional dance number. And obviously pages of the Burn Book will be tossed around and floating in the air. (Coach Carr will be seen in the background fleeing from Trang Pak and Sun Jin.)
26. “Lady Problems”
Wide set vaginas, self-esteem, clique problems, and feeling victimized by Regina George get discussed in this fun, head bopping sing-a-long.
27. “She Doesn’t Even Go Here”
We don’t know who she is, but she’ll steal the show with her tearjerker song, accompanied only by a violin. And rainbows and smiles.
28. “SUCK ON THAT/Suck the Poison Out”
The entire plot comes to light in this snappy little pop song; Janis comes clean, Cady is feeling ostracized and Regina gets hit by a bus (everyone will swear they saw her head spin right around) and Cady realizes she needs to own up to what she did.
29. “The Limit Does Not Exist”
You’ll be standing in your seat cheering at this climactic ensemble song, starting with Cady and the Mathletes winning the State Champions, and finishing up at Spring Fling. It’s not really required of Cady to make a speech, but she does it anyway. WITH FEELING.