How painful is the heartbreak that is not mine to have! It is the wrecking of the mind and soul with the feeling of being guilty because you are not supposed to feel this way. A grief self consuming as it is with the judgement of others telling it was my fault. How do I tell that had there been an escape, I would have been the first one to run away? Numbness fills, tears get jammed and in no time, I am screaming out my existence with my face buried in the pillow. Every breath of air I take in is filled with his scent; every time I exhale is a part of me going away. In his eyes I saw possibilities, in his words I sought comfort. And, now he is a home to someone, taking in the presence of someone else. But mine is a stupid heart which failed to accept that he never belonged to me. That I was never his passion, never his 2 A.M. while he was all I could have wished for. I am the dream he never has and, how can I forget that when he was the only future I have ever imagined? I stared at his smile, I took in his posture, and I offered him the water before he asked, because that is how well I know him. But not he. He only offered the hand while I need his shoulder. And, I smiled at him. Always. I know he was never the one to stop breathing and hold still and feel the spark when our hands touched. I also know there were no promises. And, trust me when I say I fight every day with every strength I can muster up, but how do you stop falling in love when every part of yourself is screaming his name and painting an imagination of he beside me one day? How to make the heart stop singing the treacherous tune of hope putting together a string of ifs and maybes. I feel myself drowning, alone and choked because he was the silver lining to the moon I looked up to.
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