And when he leaves you…
The whole universe does not stop. Time does not stop. But the wind does. The lingering scent of his presence never seems to leave you. You want to sleep through it. You crave to eat your feelings but suddenly food and sleep become your worst enemy.
Pain is good. At least it makes you feel something. And it pains in places you never knew existed. The numbness caused by the absence of his warmth, the perfect picture you used to see when you looked in his eyes blown up and you are nowhere but in the middle of four walls moving towards you, waiting to crush you and yet, you cannot scream. You hate yourself for not being able to forget the sparks of life you got in him. You will push yourself to be vulnerable in front of strangers hoping to catch someone’s attention, hoping someone to catch you again, hoping that someone to be “him” again.
You will do the things the way he did not do. You will change your routines. You will change your bedsheets daily because none seems to not have a memory with him. So, you try to wash him away from the sheets, the curtains, the dishes, your skin, scratching him away from the stained corners of your being. But no matter how many haircuts and colors you get, glasses of wine you drink, movies you watch, clubs you go to with your girlfriends, nothing will seem sufficient enough to stop yourself from going over every detail of what went wrong. There will be a roller coaster of emotions tumbling your insides out, making you feel as insignificant as possible. You will still leave the kitchen light on and slide a key under the “Welcome Home” mat you both bought together, hoping against hopes for him to turn back. But when you cross paths, even though your heart is leaping out of your chest and the brain is screaming in anger for you to say something, you will not.
Because he asked for it. Because he saw something that you didn’t.