I Wish I Was Brave Enough To Love You

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I am sorry. I wish I did not get freaked out. I wish I did not leave you in the middle of the night, pack up my metaphorical bags and run away. I wish I stayed. The connection between us built up so fast that it scared me. It scared me to believe that someone could be this true. I couldn’t reason with myself why someone would be so nice to me. I escaped. And it is not your fault. I am scarred just like everyone else but I let it take over the best of me. You came out of the blue and struck a connection. You literally jumped into my soul and sparked the conversation like no one else could. You were patient. You were comforting. And weirdly enough, I let my heart open. I told you about my nightmares and aims. I told you about my obsessive cleanliness to the mess in my life. And that scared me. It struck me hard when I realised how vulnerable I have let myself be in front of you. And maybe this is what love is, to find comfort and security in vulnerability, but to me it was a signal. A call of a siren to run away as fast as I could. And so I did. You called me a hundred times. And believe me I wanted to pick up and run back to you but my fear of falling apart like a sand dune pulled me back. Swear to God, I wish it didn’t. Not a day, not a night passes by when I do not imagine what it would have been to wrap my arms around you and feel the warmth of your heart.

I wish I was brave enough to love you.

You are my 2 a.m. regret and 5 p.m. “What If”. I pray that someday, somewhere you find the love you deserve and I get the courage I lack. You will never be forgotten. TC mark

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