In 2016 I Found Myself

Kukuh Himawan Samudro
Kukuh Himawan Samudro

That’s been the verdict and I can’t say that one could completely disagree, really. But then before social media existed and people had begun to express their opinions publicly as an everyday activity, I had a time as a kid when I was terribly depressed. It was real depression where I didn’t have any clue as to what was happening to me. I didn’t want to get out of bed everyday. I just wanted to be horizontal and never want to do anything at all.

I dreamt each night and sometimes in the day of different ways in which I could die — getting crushed by a truck while casually crossing the road, a thief coming to our house and seeing me awake, stabbing me to death, fainting in the swimming pool and not being found till I had drowned and died, getting lost in the old city area after dark and being beaten by men. Basically death had almost become a fantasy to me, I just wanted an out from life. But who would I tell this to? I did not know I was depressed, I did not know that these feelings weren’t right as I was right at the centre and the circumference of it all.

Later on, I was studying abroad and feeling lonely, missing home food and finding it hard to interact with people as I was just beginning to discover myself and my voice post the horribly stiffening depression.

Fast forward a little bit more to art school in India and feeling a crazy cultural shock, recovering from a triple typhoid bout (yes, not even a relapse but a relapse of a relapse) and finding a man who was going through so much himself that he did not know how to value anything and left me broken. Then I found solace in a friend who left me even more hollow, to decay slowly — friends going away somehow is a lot more painful than lovers going away.

But the pain all of a sudden wasn’t so stiffening anymore, it started flowing, gushing with blood in my body.

I moved town for work, I fell in love, haha. Needless to say I felt a lack of passion in him and it all ended very soon. It was followed by a lot of tears and a complete loss of self-esteem to thinking — “why the fuck would someone love?”

I work at a place, which well, now am not fascinated by but used to seem like an unreachable and unattainable place to be. Actually moving to Bombay, working here and living a life by myself — it all seemed out of reach and I had never actually thought about it because it was way beyond the atmosphere of my mind.

I simply dreamt of knowing who I am and exploring myself to and till the end — whatever the journey may be for that, I was ready to take. It was never a selfish dream, it always was inclusive.

There have been many years that could have probably defeated me, but they didn’t. They let me flow and let me learn. Yes, I lost some beautiful people on the way but they still seem to be a lot more present than some people who are here but just dropped out of my life. So I can say life is rich, it’s been ever-changing but surprises and shocks both taught me a ton. The darker patches almost forced me to be a lot more compassionate and considerate. I live and love harder without giving a shit about looking weak or vulnerable.

I am 28 and I am alive, I don’t think 2016 really is that shitty after all. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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