Depression, Can’t You Just Leave Me Be?

Brooke Cagle

For as long as I can remember, you have always played a significant
role in my life. I am not sure why you targeted me and proceeded to dissolve
my livelihood, but I will say that you have had a hard time leaving me.

Who knows where you got the idea that I wanted a life-long, tumultuous relationship with you, but deep down I may be partly responsible for your persistent obsession with yours truly. There is a fair chance that I led you on when I was clueless and vulnerable to your wicked games. Anything is possible at this point.

Dear depression, you have been the metaphorical dark web I have never fully escaped from. Once upon a time, when I was a young, impressionable girl recovering from my father’s losing battle to cancer, I opened up myself to you and allowed you to take over control and act like the remote control of my life. You know you are taking advantage of me, yet you just can’t get enough.

There must be something wildly hypnotic or alluring about me that leaves you hungry for more. I am twenty-five now, which means that it has been over ten years since you first laid eyes on me and proceeded to make me yours. I let you in, not knowing that you would become addicted to sucking the life out of me. Where is your compassion or your heart? Depression, are you listening to my pleas?

Ever since you first showed up, you have hardly ever given me the space to live fully, let alone breathe. No matter what I do, you follow me everywhere I go like a psycho stalker that lives inside my soul. I am tired of you, please go away. Haven’t you had enough?

It is kind of fucked up how you mess with me and pretend like you are finally leaving for good, when you fully know that it is only a matter of time before you find me again. You give me slivers of hope that perhaps today will be different than the rest, only to make your appearance right as I am starting to smile. On certain days when you want to play nice, you give me a break and let me have a shot at surviving. And perhaps the shot at getting in touch with new potential lovers like happiness or peace. But then you are overrun with jealousy and proceed to take back your girl and throw her into the dark, stormy waters yet again.

I have taken every medication in the book to calm you down and gulped up countless mindfulness tools to reach a consensus with you, but everything I resort to is temporary and ultimately too weak to take you out. You must be getting a kick out of this whole thing. The world thinks I purposely let an abusive lover like yourself into my life and that I could cut ties if I truly wanted to. If only they knew the truth.

Sometimes I wish I could look you in the eyes and ask you why you chose me. Did I do something to deserve this? Frustrations aside, I am not writing this to express my disgust or rage at you, but to merely let you in on what it is you have done to your supposed lover all of these years. Then maybe you will be moved to let me live a life I am worthy of. One that is colorful and lively, just as I have always dreamed.

I know you occasionally grant me days and even weeks in which I am given the space to find myself outside of your suffocating reign, but it would be wonderful if you could move on for eternity. Despite your vacations from time to time, we both know you will seek me out before long, thereby keeping me on high alert at all times. This isn’t how I want to live any longer!

Please hear me out, depression. Can’t you find it in your heart to let me go?

You have taught me a lot, don’t worry. Sustaining the pain you have continually showered me with is no easy feat and I am proud of myself for staying alive. I don’t know if you are testing my strength or trying to wisen
me up. Maybe you are some type of blessing I am blind to right now. But even so, I believe I have shed enough tears and been through enough trials for one lifetime. I consider myself a rather strong girl and I do my best to
make you happy so that you give me some immunity, but I am growing exhausted of trying so hard to stay afloat.

Isn’t it fair to let me soar and reach my potential without your existence? I have so much curiosity about the world and unimaginable degrees of passion, yet I need your blessing in order to tap into these amazing, yet hidden sides of myself. I promise I will not disappoint you or forget about you, as you are now a part of my very being and I have a special place in my heart for you. The thorns you have adorned me with characterize my very essence, whether I care to admit it or not. If I hated you, I would ultimately hate myself. We are not enemies, yet you must have forgotten that somewhere along the way.

If you give me another chance at life, I will soak every drip out of it and make you proud, but I can’t do that unless you let us part ways. We can still be friends, but I would rather do so from afar. I hope you understand that it is finally my turn to do this on my own. Please remove the veil you have placed upon me so I can stop hibernating and own my greatness. If you love me like I know you do, you will not object to my wish. Dear depression, can’t you just leave me be? TC mark

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