Here’s To Letting Go Of What Was Never Mine

@bethwall
@bethwall

You hurt me. No, you broke me, and it’s all my fault. I knew what I was getting into when we started whatever it was that we were. I knew well enough you weren’t looking for a relationship but the vulnerable part of me sitting in my car with you on speaker only heard “who knows, maybe it will turn into something more.” I held on to that sentence as if you truly did mean it. I believed maybe you were open to seeing where things would go, but that was a lie. You’ve done this before, and now I’m stuck on a list of girls you lied to just to get what you wanted. You sat there not caring what those words you spoke to me could do just to get what you wanted.

Maybe you weren’t screwed over by those girls from your past; maybe that was the start of the many pathological lies you will tell me. The worst part is you thought so little of me that you had no respect for me; you disregarded that I was a human who had feelings and could be hurt. I was just a bucket list item you can cross off the list; something you wanted to use and throw away regardless of the outcome.

My question is why? Why didn’t you leave me alone when I said I didn’t want what you wanted? Why did you insist on making me believe that any part of you cared? You took my heart, threw it up in the air, and watched it fall to the grown. You didn’t even try to catch it or give it safe landing. You told me everything you knew I wanted to hear. You broke me. I want you to know that. When you’re finally grown, married and with kids, I want you to know that some day some boy may come to your daughter and do the same exact thing you did to me. God forbid it ever happen, but I hope when you think of that possible scenario and realize how selfish and cruel you were to me.

You knew I cared and despite the fact that I did you were okay with tricking me to believe that whatever horrible lie we were was something more. Every part of me wants to hate you, to wish you will go through the same thing you put me through, but the truth is I care about you way too much to ever wish that on you. I never want to see you hurt or broke. A part of me wanted to fix you; to make you believe that not every girl will screw you over.

I see the best and believe everyone is good, and that is my kryptonite. That same great quality is the same destructive quality that leaves me rolled up into a ball, gasping for air as I physically feel my heart breaking. It’s the same quality that despite what the reality is, believed you didn’t mean to lead me on or weren’t aware you were hurting me.

I don’t regret meeting you, talking to you, or knowing you. Unfortunately, you will always be a very hard and my most painful lessons I had to learn. I may never be able to trust anyone the way I had done before you came into my life. I’m so scared of being used and hurt that I can’t let myself bring down this wall I’ve put up. I’m so scared the next guy will be your partner-in-crime who will use me for their selfish desires then throw me away like an old rusted part.

You made me believe every part of you cared about me the same way I did for you, if not, more. You made me think that deep down inside of you I was showing you that I wasn’t like the so called girls of your past. That I cared, and it was a feeling you liked. Don’t try to argue with me and say that any part of you cared, because if you did you wouldn’t have been able to use and break me like this easily.

I’m praying someday someone will come and erase the damage you did to me; to reassure me that not all men are like you. To make me believe I am capable of being cared for and possibly loved.

I hope one day you find someone who will make you hang up your jersey and stop the sick game you are playing. I hope you never have to feel the pain I felt.

I don’t know, maybe in some weird way, I loved you; or maybe I wanted you so bad because I couldn’t. Maybe I thought I would be the girl to heal the wounds you had and make you believe that not everything is black and white. Maybe one day I can think of you and not want to cry, but for now, this is my goodbye I never got to have. Though you broke me like I’ve never been broken before, I am a strong woman who has conquered a broken heart many times before. Who in the past healed from lost broken love, and gained her trust in love and men. This is the beginning of my healing process. One day God will send me the perfect man to look past the scars you left me. Here is to leaving you in the past so that I can find my future. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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