Brick by brick, she created what she thought to be a stronghold with a boy that seemed fit to be a knight. She neglected nights on the town with friends for Netflix nights with her new boyfriend, followed by late night coffee runs to whatever shop was open at the time. She no longer invited her friends to her favorite indie rock shows.
Instead she invited him just so she would have a hand to hold when her favorite song was played, or so she could climb onto his shoulders when they were standing too far back in the general admissions section. The instinctive road trips couples take in the movies became an actuality. His family became her own and her family became his. She loved him and he loved her.
She planned a future that looked promising around the “what ifs” of their relationship, while overlooking her own dreams and prior commitments she made to herself.
Their relationship went on for months, maybe even years. Everything was ideal and it’s as if any other anguish had fled at the thought of him. There were always stronger arms to comfort her in the chance that her knees would collapse from beneath her when she heard that her father was diagnosed with cancer, or when her grandfather was not doing as well as she had hoped.
Then, just as quickly as they fell in love, everything became fragmentized. All that she put her hope in and all she had become had died. The constant desolation she felt in the depths of her stomach became unbearable. She was surrounded by people and still felt a sensation of reclusiveness.
Reminiscing on the memories, she wonders if they were authentic or just a façade. When he looked into her eyes and said he cared about her, did he ever mean it?
The rejection and hurt is intolerable. She went into the relationship with open arms and pure intentions and it ended with her questioning herself as a person and clinging to the belief that she did everything wrong.
She will never trust the same. She will never love the same. She felt helpless, and sometimes hopeless. She could only confide in the idea that everything would eventually be okay.
It is said that time fixes everything, but that is not so. It’s what happens in that time that changes her perspective. Screaming Coldplay lyrics beneath the water of the shower and tears would not mend their relationship. The reassurance that “everything happens for a reason” did not explain why her heart had been crippled. The pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and Ghirardelli chocolate squares were not making light of the situation.
The only source of revitalization for her was the acceptance of the situation- and herself. Slowly the understanding that the world hasn’t stopped turning and that maybe she would be okay caused the pain of her heart to cease and the beat to steadily regain it’s regular pace.
After her grieving, she disowned any idea that she is not good enough. She realized that she had put everything she was into the relationship only for it to be destroyed. She mended relationships with those around her and did her damnedest to pick back up where she left off.
She would not let this defeat her and she, most certainly, would not let this define her. It was not a waste, but a lesson learned.
Months later she meets a new boy. Naturally, the girl is skeptical about entering the relationship. She explains the hurt she felt when who she thought was the love of her life left her and why she has not dated, but he did not understand. And really, very few people do. The cracks left behind on her heart are all that remain and are only partially sealed by gentle words and consolidation that this new boy would never leave her with the same remorse she had previously experienced. But the boy is persistent. He admires her and he will not stop short of what it will take to make her love his own.
Still skeptical, she accepts him with her scarred heart. The bricks she used to build her previous relationship are now the strong hold against pain but she realizes she must move on at some point. After all, she can only rightfully regret the chances she doesn’t take.
What if this boy is the one who will make her a better person? What if he is the one guy that won’t break her heart? What if he is the one guy who will mean it when he says he loves her?
When he’s away she’ll miss him and want to be with him, but she’s built up her fortress and he’s built up her confidence. She realizes she is all she needs and his company is only complimentary. She has learned to be sufficient on her own, but she wants him and he has yet to fail her.
He encourages and supports her, though she does not need it. She is comfortable with who she is, but his reassurance is flattering. She is not perfect but he is caring and speaks life to her. She is comforted by the idea that when she does have a moment of insecurity, which is likely, he will go whatever distance needed to tell her she is beautiful. Not because her make up is pretty or her hair is perfectly intact, because most of the time it is not, but because he sees through the wall she’s built. He sees the person she was, the strong person she has become, and the potential that lies at her fingertips.
He is honest and he is loving. He admires her quirkiness and she knows that it is okay to be herself around him. She is proud of what she has overcome and stands firm in the satisfaction that she is exactly who she was meant to be. She is curious about life and what love could look like and while she imagines and questions and feels, he loves her with what he has. She knows who she is and what comes of love lost, but he has inspired her to be an even greater person and shows her what comes of a love found. All those promises and previous dreams were revived. She was her own being; He only made things fitter.
It was a trial that made her stronger, and it was exactly what she needed.
This new love has reeled her in with crazy emotion and radical affection, and she submits, hoping maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. And if it is too, a love lost, in her mended heart and the life that she leads, she has found a home.