We all think we deserve the redemption arc, the saving conversation, that god-awful term: Closure.
We think it will save us, we think it will heal us, when in reality it’s just a placeholder for an unnecessary conversation. Why would you cut open a wound you have already healed?
All of this time passes in between the injury and the inevitable scar tissue you form over it. You learn things about yourself, you learn things about them, and you process it all bit by bit. You have daily revelations about the truth of it all until one day it clicks. You figure out how you’re supposed to feel and what you need to do to get better.
And you just do it. You get better. You move on. Because you’re capable of that.
Then one day, the opportunity for what you would’ve previously named “closure” arrives on your doorstep. And you take it because you’re curious. You want to know the answers to all the questions you stopped asking a long time ago.
But you know what they say about curiosity…
You’ll have this conversation and it might go incredibly well for a while. Then the bitterness you’ve been swallowing for a year resurfaces, your anger sears your throat like vicious bile, and the bits of you that you’d long since extinguished come rushing back. The old you, the person who wasn’t fully healed, takes back over.
This person is not who you are and not who you want to be. This person hasn’t existed for a long time for a reason, and you’re going to be mad at yourself for even giving them the chance to come back out.
Though I know closure is so tempting, I would strongly advise against it. In saying this, I know you’re not going to listen to me. I know your curiosity for answers will win out, but I urge you to stay cautious. Keep your head on straight and remember who you are now versus what you used to be.
Because a few days later, after the conversation has subsided and you reenter the life you designed without them, you’ll realize that nothing has changed. Sure, you saw them. And yes, they told you things you had wanted to hear for quite some time. But nothing about your life is different; nothing about your relationship with them is different. You’ll find yourself sitting there in your new apartment in your new town, thinking, What the fuck?
But also know that this is okay. This is just another part of your process now. Another lesson you’ll have learned, another person to avoid. Because you don’t need closure, you don’t need to reintroduce things that should stay gone, and you don’t need to beat yourself up about the things that you learn when you get it.
It won’t change anything for you now, much as it wouldn’t have changed anything for you then. Let that door stay locked tight, release your grip on the handle, and walk away.