A Short List Of Things I Heard, Despite What You May Have Said

Though I believe context is key, I also think people just say stupid shit sometimes. So I’ve compiled a short list of some of the dumber things men have said to me, and what it actually sounded like once it made it to my ears:

What you said: “No, I’m not sorry. I’m not going to apologize for doing what I need for the first time ever.”

What I heard: “I’m doing what I want in whatever way I want to do it, no matter who it hurts. Especially if that person is you. Also fuck your feelings.”

What you said: “I just- I just want you to know that I think you’re great. Yea, that’s it.”

What I heard: “It’s been three years and I don’t know how to say I’m sorry so I guess this will work? And I stalk your Facebook sometimes.”

What you said: “I just wanted to let you know I’m aware that I wasted a real friendship here.”

What I heard: “Honestly I miss you enough to say something but not enough to actually change anything about our current situation. Like at all. But now I feel better about it.”

What you said: “It’s obvious this is your first breakup.”

What I heard: “I’m shocked you are having an emotional response to me ripping your heart directly out of your chest and then handing it to you like nothing happened.”

What you said: “She’s crazy and she made it all up.”

What I heard: “I REFUSE to take responsibility for my actions, and the fact that you are trying to make me is astounding to me. How dare you.”

What you said: “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it. With all of my heart I’m sorry…”

What I heard: “I’m sad to hear you are upset over my poor choices, but I will do absolutely nothing to make you feel better about this situation, except for leave. So then I do not have to deal with the repercussions my poor choices caused. ”

What you said: “You are truly the most fascinating person I have met tonight.”

What I heard: “Please exit this bar with me immediately and follow me directly to my AirBnB.”

What you said: “I’m super sorry. Let’s hang out real soon. I’ll even not be a shithead and text you about it.”

What I heard: “I will ABSOLUTELY be a shithead and will ABSOLUTELY not text you. But hopefully this makes you think I will. Now I don’t owe you anything, cause at least I kind of tried.”