I’ve seen you do it, you know.
I’ve seen you run so far inside your soul that you’ll never be able to find where you hid yourself. I’ve seen you sprint into your own abyss thinking, “Try and catch me now.” I’ve seen you try and mask this, thinking nobody noticed.
But I did. I know what you look like when you’re scared.
We, as humans, are blessed with many gifts. One of those is our ability to forget, to push things down so far we can’t find them anymore. Our ability to leave behind the things that hurt so we don’t have to feel anything if we don’t want to.
The ability to escape.
Escapism takes siege of your life in various forms, and sometimes without your own knowledge. Picture it much like a chokehold over your existence that disguises itself as an embrace—you think escaping the hurt will help you, will make you feel better, when all it really does is make it worse over time.
Loss is tough, grief is unbearable sometimes, and the scars these can leave on your soul seem to be as permanent as anything can be. But that doesn’t mean these feelings aren’t important, and they’re also not things we are meant to ignore.
If you keep doing what you’re doing, friend, you’ll never learn to feel anything at all.
Though trying to escape yourself seems easier, you cannot continue to do this. You cannot continue to sell it as “facing your reality,” as everyone can see straight through that lie. You’re only hurting yourself here.
Escaping is easier. It’s more gratifying in the moment, but truly facing your shit and dealing with it head on is the best choice you will ever make for yourself. Look who you are dead in the eye and embrace the hell out of that mess and do something about it.
If you don’t, if you always try and escape who you are, you’ll never find yourself. Not really. Sure, you’ll be able to build a sturdy enough reality, but it will always collapse. You can’t build yourself upon lies and fake apologies and bullshit.
If you continue on in this way, something will always feel off to you. There will always be a voice in your head reminding you that something isn’t quite right. If you stop trying to escape yourself, if you sit and soak in everything about who you are, this voice will quiet and eventually cease.
You’ll become the person everyone knows you can be, the person I know you can be.
But that’s entirely up to you. You have a choice to make. Are you satisfied with constantly running away, or would you finally like to face yourself?
Are you done trying to escape who you are?