I recently went through a relatively traumatic breakup. Let your mind wander to some truly fucked up stuff, and you probably nailed it. It was unexpected, I was blindsided, and am honestly sitting here bruised on my ass wondering, ‘How did I not see this coming?’
There isn’t an answer and there won’t be. That’s the first thing you need to know if you find yourself in a similar situation to me, sitting there letting your mind wander in circles about someone who won’t answer your questions.
You are not going to get those answers. Not really. Not in the way that you want. That’s the second thing you need to know.
The third is this: You deserve better mistakes. As I was lying in my bed this morning, wailing about what had happened to me, a friend reminded me of that. That yes, I could forgive that person and maybe we could have worked it out (if they had wanted to, which they did not). That yes, it was a mistake, but perhaps we could rebuild that trust and be what we were.
But that’s not how this works.
People are people, and inherently they are looking out for themselves. That’s why relationships go crazy; people cheat, people lie, and people do awful things to each other because they are only doing it for themselves. And who knows why the person who hurt you really did it. I know you’ll never find out, and frankly, neither will I.
So when someone else does come along, and trust me they will, make sure they’re someone who will make better mistakes. Make sure they are someone who will fully admit to what they did, and will work to be better. Someone who cares enough to not even make those monstrous mistakes in the first place.
Because if there’s something we can all agree on, it’s that if a person truly cares, we won’t find ourselves in these situations. We won’t be chewed up and spit out so abruptly. Yea, mistakes happen. Even when someone really does care- but they won’t be mistakes like this.
So my advice to you; whether you’re someone who does these things or someone, like me, that these things often happen to, is a couple of things.
1. Drink water. Drink so much water it blows your mind you’re not a damn fish at this point.
2. Fill your days with activities. Work harder. Be better. Not to show this other person that you’re thriving, but to prove to yourself that you still can.
3. Lean on your friends, and I mean REALLY lean on them. You have no idea what a 3 a.m. cry sesh on the phone can do for your psyche.
4. Learn. As much as you aren’t going to want to right now, learn everything you possibly can from this and save that up. Use what you’ve already learned from previous scenarios to help you.
5. Don’t ask yourself what you did. Don’t put yourself through that endless loop. It won’t turn out well. And frankly, it is just fabrication.
6. Finally, love yourself. Love yourself harder than that person ever did, or ever could. Love yourself because you deserve it, but also love yourself because you need it.
I don’t know if I would ever look back on a situation like this and say I’m happy it happened. I probably won’t ever be truly able to move past it- not like I want to. I’m just saying that I can. I can make better mistakes myself, next time. And sometimes, like this time, this other person isn’t evil (even if it might be easier if they were). Sometimes people just do us wrong, and we have to learn to forgive them as much as we have to fight to forgive ourselves.
It’s ups and downs. It is nights of crying versus days of battling through the most basic of tasks. But dammit if you shouldn’t try. You have to try. There is no ‘strong’ or ‘weak’ here, only the action of moving forward.
So do it. Move forward, run if you have to, no matter how clumsy you might look right now. Look for others who make better mistakes, and try to do so yourself. Remind yourself of who you were before this, and tell yourself about the person you are hopeful to become.