You Deserve To Not Only Move On, But Move Up

woman hands under her chin
Nordwood Themes

What a waste of time missing you turned out to be.

I mean I get it, the growth I needed to experience. The crazy I had to get out. The endless journal entries my brain demanded I force onto every page. But was it as dramatic as I made it out to be?

Honestly, no. You used to be this huge, incredible thing in my life. I changed the way I acted around you for absolutely no reason (you never asked me to, I just fabricated this insane person I had to be and tried to exist that way). I wrote article after article and journal entry after journal entry about letting go.

Bullshit, man. How can you force yourself to let go of something you never even had?

I wanted you to be so much more than you were. I dreamed of this outrageous future that we would exist in together. I never could get very far with it though, just a picture in my head of you and I sitting together on the porch. It was a cute mental image, but not a substantial existence. Where would we go once we left that spot? Certainly nowhere together- we simply do not match up.

Sure, I still care about you in some way. I value your happiness and hope you find it; but that doesn’t mean I have to continue to allow your memory to hold me hostage. I thought it would take me so much longer to get here- years, even. But one year later, one torturous and laughable year, I’ve made it.

I can now look at all that time I spent missing you or rewriting all our conversations in my head and just smile. I was ridiculous and crazy and I know it. You were a butthead and you only told me what I wanted to hear and you know it. But guess what? Both of those things are kind of okay. I needed to feel utterly wrecked by you to reach this contentment I’m at now.

Because I don’t feel wrecked anymore. I can look at myself in the past and shake my head, smile at the ground and think- ‘honey, it’s really not that bad’. It gets so much better.

I don’t need you anymore; I never did. I know what I need.

I need a strong career, a purpose to fulfill every single day. I need more time with my friends and my family, more two hour phone conversations with those that live far away. I need an infinite supply of ice cream and red wine. I need emotional stability from those around me and in myself.

So thanks, I guess. Not really to you, but to the old me for figuring her shit out. I’m proud of her for getting through that, and I can’t wait to see where she and I go. We’ve got big things ahead of us, and it’s going to be wonderful.

If you’re reading this and not at this place yet, I understand. Just know you’ll get here, and take as long as you need. Start running, start journaling, cook more at home- whatever you’ve got to do. Just remember the crazy person being drug down right now will make their way through it all, and you’ll love what happens when you’re done. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Good person, messy eater, notorious plant killer.

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