What a waste of time missing you turned out to be.
I mean I get it, the growth I needed to experience. The crazy I had to get out. The endless journal entries my brain demanded I force onto every page. But was it as dramatic as I made it out to be?
Honestly, no. You used to be this huge, incredible thing in my life. I changed the way I acted around you for absolutely no reason (you never asked me to, I just fabricated this insane person I had to be and tried to exist that way). I wrote article after article and journal entry after journal entry about letting go.
Bullshit, man. How can you force yourself to let go of something you never even had?
I wanted you to be so much more than you were. I dreamed of this outrageous future that we would exist in together. I never could get very far with it though, just a picture in my head of you and I sitting together on the porch. It was a cute mental image, but not a substantial existence. Where would we go once we left that spot? Certainly nowhere together- we simply do not match up.
Sure, I still care about you in some way. I value your happiness and hope you find it; but that doesn’t mean I have to continue to allow your memory to hold me hostage. I thought it would take me so much longer to get here- years, even. But one year later, one torturous and laughable year, I’ve made it.
I can now look at all that time I spent missing you or rewriting all our conversations in my head and just smile. I was ridiculous and crazy and I know it. You were a butthead and you only told me what I wanted to hear and you know it. But guess what? Both of those things are kind of okay. I needed to feel utterly wrecked by you to reach this contentment I’m at now.
Because I don’t feel wrecked anymore. I can look at myself in the past and shake my head, smile at the ground and think- ‘honey, it’s really not that bad’. It gets so much better.
I don’t need you anymore; I never did. I know what I need.
I need a strong career, a purpose to fulfill every single day. I need more time with my friends and my family, more two hour phone conversations with those that live far away. I need an infinite supply of ice cream and red wine. I need emotional stability from those around me and in myself.
So thanks, I guess. Not really to you, but to the old me for figuring her shit out. I’m proud of her for getting through that, and I can’t wait to see where she and I go. We’ve got big things ahead of us, and it’s going to be wonderful.
If you’re reading this and not at this place yet, I understand. Just know you’ll get here, and take as long as you need. Start running, start journaling, cook more at home- whatever you’ve got to do. Just remember the crazy person being drug down right now will make their way through it all, and you’ll love what happens when you’re done.