For the first time in my life, the relationship I have with myself is the most important one to me. I want the energy I keep and emit to emphasize me, not destroy me. ‘Take me as I am or watch me go.’
After my last relationship, I knew I had to make a change in the way I thought about relationships and dating. After only four months, a man broke my heart like I never imagined could happen before. I had been in relationships ten times longer than that, lived with ex-boyfriends, and gone through several breakups. However, nothing compared to the pain and feeling of loss I felt after him.
Looking back on the heartbreak, I think it has something to do with my chameleon type personality – meaning I take on traits of the people I spend the most time with (especially a boyfriend). Normally, I keep all of my feelings other than the happy-go-lucky ones inside. But him, he wore his heart on his shoulder and in four months had me doing the same.
He knew me better than anyone – the good, the bad, the hidden, and the especially ugly. I had never given myself up like that and in a flash, it was over.
He took all of my built-up darkness, dropped it in my lap, and left it there.
However, the problem wasn’t him. It was me allowing myself to become like him – because I didn’t know who I was on my own.
I’ve since realized the reason I would cling to guys and became a chameleon is because I was always looking for a definition. I didn’t know how to define myself alone so I consistently turned to relationships to do it for me.
I was always the girl that, as the movie How To Be Single puts it best, would let “Dicksand” get the best of me. You know, when a guy looks at you one time in the right way and suddenly you’re trapped into their dick-spell that’s something sort of quicksand-ish and you completely forget who you are.
But becoming single (and forcing myself to stay single until I figure my sh*t out) has been the most valuable decision I have ever made. The ten years I spent bouncing between boyfriends hasn’t taught me anything compared to the last five months I’ve spent alone. I’m done giving away my love and passion in pieces. I know that someday, I’ll run into something spectacular. Right now, I refuse to settle for anything less.