Little do you know how it breaks my heart to not be able to speak to you about my sorrows and gratitude. How it seems to be a riddle for me to say the right words at the right moment. That’s when I tell myself this is too cheesy or dramatic for us, but it’s just that I’ve learned to be comfortable throughout my life to keep these feelings reserved to myself as if they are my company.
Little do you know that for every birthdays and occasions meant to celebrate you, I save money and promise myself to buy you a present like what other children do. But when I come in to the store, it always hits me how much more I need to know about you. I need to know more of your likes and dislikes, what to get you when you feel sad, or even tell when you feel sad, what to say when you fight — those everyday occurrences I barely pay attention to. But no amount of money or things can ever equate to the sacrifices you have done for me especially.
Little do you know that in my failures, I think of you. I think of every dollar you spent on me and my education and it haunts me at night like a monster under the bed. It keeps me up at night thinking of how big of a disappointment I am and how can I make it up to you. When I was younger, failing to me seemed like a one-way ticket to get thrown out of our house. And I wake up in the morning with swollen eyes from too much disappointment in myself.
Little do you know that in my achievement, I think of you still. You have always been at the top of the list of people I want to thank every time. Not because it’s mandatory for a child to thank her parents but because you deserve credit too. You play a huge role in who I have become and why I am doing the things I do in my life. You opened different doors of opportunities and fed me with graces you wished you had when you were my age. You took away all the familiar struggles along my way — the same struggles you had a hard time dealing with. As if you were mandated to make my life a lot easier than how your life was.
Little do you know that when I was far away from you, I never imagined how much I would have missed you. All the while my younger self wanted to get away, wanted that irrational freedom, I’d choose a hundred days of you lecturing me than another day without hearing your voice. You’re my core. You have carved your name in my heart and it will stay there forever.
Little do you know that in every decision I make in my adulthood, I think of you too. Your voice echoes in my head either scolding me or teaching me a lesson every time I put my cards down. You’re part of my daydreaming. You’re part of my life’s prospects — when I think about myself going to nursing school, when I think about being in a serious relationship, when I think about my future career, when I think about medical school, when I think about starting a family. Don’t get me wrong though, these are a far way in the future. But know that when I think of myself 10 years from now, I also think of you 10 years from now and the further years after. I think of the moment when it’s my time to look after you.
But who am I kidding?
Little do I know, you already have hints of all these thoughts in me.
But just in case you don’t, I want to let you know that I’m grateful for your team-up in parenting me and that I love you beyond words.
Thank you for loving me, it’s the toughest job in the world.