I thought writing down my roller coaster of emotions, would take the thoughts of you out of my head, the sadness out of my broken soul, the anger out of my veins, and dry the tears out from my eyes.
I thought moving states would help me move on from you.
I thought dating someone who treats me like royalty; the opposite of you, would help to rid your memory from my mind.
It’s been 8 months of not being able to shake you. I don’t want you, because I know I deserve better. I don’t want you, because I don’t want to feel the way you make me feel. I don’t want you, because you can’t communicate. I don’t want you, because I can’t trust you. I don’t want you, because I know you would prefer to act like we never happened and that hurts. I don’t want you because you ignore my emotions, my thoughts, and my feelings. I know that with the right guy, I won’t have to ask myself these questions. I know with the right guy, I will be a priority, feel heard and respected.
I’ve panicked watching the last two romantic comedies. I wasn’t able to articulate why I got so emotional, until I consciously acknowledged the thought of you creeping back into my mind. My boyfriend wrapped me in his arms and wiped the tears from my eyes, as the thought of you and I poured out of my eyes like I was trying to fight a wildfire alone. I didn’t want to think of you. I wish I could wipe away your memory, just like it’s so easy for you to wipe the memory of me from your mind.
I panic cuddling my boyfriend. He makes me happy, he’s sweet to me, and I trust him. When I am holding him, in a split second, I visualize you and my heart explodes out of my chest. I feel elated and I begin to question why I don’t have this crazy love feeling when I am holding him. I think I am drawn to the fuckery. I feel guilty for allowing the thought of you to come across my mind.