The pain comes in waves. It’s almost indescribable, it’s like drowning underwater as you mouth silent screams. Your mind becomes hazed as you begin to plummet attempting to reach for anything tangible above the surface to save you and set you free. The deeper you go the faster you sink; you become cold and numb, you’ll do anything to make the pain go away, you’ll do anything for someone to give you oxygen to breathe, to let you feel at home just one last time. You remember what it was like to feel loved, an intoxication so intensified, a love greater than any cinematic moment could ever portray. You could watch The Notebook and yearn for nothing more because your love encompassed stability, your love was real burning fervently with tenderness and a desire so strong. You didn’t long for passionate kisses in the rain or spontaneous walks on the beach because the love you shared was more than a fling; you had a love that always stayed.
Until it didn’t. He’s gone now and here you sit empty and destroyed looking for a distraction.
I write to you from the same place of pain, familiar with a loss that cuts so deep leaving lacerations to the bone, damage that seems almost irreversible. But he wasn’t a drug and you can’t inject the same feeling by finding a good time with someone else. I know this because the love he gave you didn’t leave you with a temporary high and what he gave you was a feeling that didn’t die off in a matter of hours. I know this because even when he’s gone you still procure a heart that yearns for his love once again. Lust wasn’t a word that could describe your love because you didn’t crave him, addicted to his features, instead, you cared for him and chose to love him through all days even if he didn’t always give you his all.
You can’t replace him. Sweet girl, deep down you know that what I say is true. The sound of his voice will forever resonate in your mind, the feeling of his gentle lips and soft kiss will always stay, the memories will be a tying chain that will drive you insane. So as you wrap yourself around someone else and yearn to feel euphoria and numbness to take away the pain, I ask you one question; is it the same? Does he whisper I love you when you’re going through a tough time or does he only stay long enough until he’s feeling more than fine? You can’t mimic his warmth and the little things he used to say. You can’t replace the way he furrowed his brows in confusion or made a silly face in order to make your sadness melt away.
I know that it hurts and you want nothing more than to freeze time and find a way to self medicate, but your happiness isn’t in the boy at the bar looking to hookup and he isn’t the guy you matched with on Tinder. I know this because love isn’t supposed to be forced or made out of any sexual desire. Love is about endless affection and devotion, the person you’d walk miles in the desert for or swim hours in the sea. I ask you in your time of hopelessness and heartache to protect your heart and the beautiful intentions within your mind. I ask you to leave love alone because you deserve more than a temporary person. I promise you when the time’s right there will be a man waiting for you that’s worthy of your love once again.