I’m sorry that I don’t take compliments very well. That when you call me beautiful, I’ll wonder if you actually mean it.
I’m sorry that I’ll need daily reassurance that you want me in your life.
I’m sorry that I’ll worry about what your doing if you come over late, or are late to our plans.
I’m sorry that I will see other girls as a threat. That even friends will bring out my insecurities.
I’m sorry that I’ll get nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night, trembling at the thought that you too could break me, like the boy before you.
I’m sorry that I will be tempted to snoop, to check your phone and know every detail about your day. The spy in me that was engraved into my brain for so long.
I’m sorry because it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair I bring all of these things into our relationship. A pure relationship, full of hope and happiness.
Just please understand you have done nothing wrong.
You have done nothing to make my mind twist the way it does and for my heart to worry. You see, I know what it feels like to be controlled. To be dependent on someone else for your own happiness. To forget about your own dreams, your own opinions, and the things that make you happy.
I know what it feels like to be crying on the tile floor at 2 in the morning, feeling ugly, helpless, and not good enough. I know what it feels like to believe someone when they tell you you aren’t skinny enough, or don’t turn them on, or aren’t a good enough girlfriend.
I know what it feels like to have everything twisted into your fault. Every fight is your fault, every drink is because of you; I must be the reason he is so angry.
I know what it feels like to have someone tear you apart from the inside out.
A girl who was once independent, confident, and happy, now broken.
I know what it feels like to become a questioner. To question someone’s every move. You can drive yourself crazy wondering where someone is, what you did to deserve to be ignored for days at a time, to wonder why you aren’t good enough, especially to the one you love the most.
I know what it feels like to believe lie after lie, to not give up on someone until they have completely destroyed you with their deceitfulness.
I know what it feels like to be cheated on. To have your whole world and future come crashing down. To spend day in and day out sick to your stomach, holding back tears, trying to figure out where it all went wrong, where you went wrong.
But I also know what it feels like to pick yourself back up, to collect the pieces of a shattered heart. To learn to forgive, and to love yourself again.
I know what it feels like to regain independence and to be in control once again. I know what it feels like to heal and to be content with the life you have, without a counterpart.
You see, I’m ready to love again and that’s where you come in.
I’m ready to love you with all I have. I’m ready for butterflies and adventures, kisses and hand-holding. I’m ready to grow with you, support you, love you for you. All of you.
I’ll never give up on us, never stop wanting your love, and I promise I’ll never be afraid to tell you just how amazing you are to me.
But I can also promise you that there will be times when I’m too much. When my past comes back to haunt me and trying to push it away only works for so long. You see, I have the biggest fear of being cheated on again. Of having my world come crashing down; I know I can’t handle that again.
And by no means do I think that is what you will do. I believe you care for me, you want me to be happy, you want to show me love. But I can’t help the second guesses that you might be telling lies, or may be filling your time with other girls. I can’t keep the thoughts out of my head that you may think another girl is prettier, skinnier, or better for you than me.
I’m sorry I still get nightmares. I force myself to wake up and have the same feeling of me broken and lying on the tile floor, unable to be fixed, unable to be healed. I still get the urge to snoop to try to find you being unfaithful, to find a reason that I should just run and protect my heart forever, but I don’t want that. I know I don’t, but it’s like I’m fighting against myself and sometimes my fear wins.
But all of these things aren’t true. You are nothing like my ex and you aren’t out to hurt me.
I hope one day my fears won’t haunt me anymore. That I will believe you when you call me beautiful and trust you when you say “she is just my friend.”
That day may not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but please don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me when I ask you again for your reassurance. Don’t give up on me when I worry or freak out when you don’t answer me because you are genuinely busy. Please don’t give up on me when you get frustrated and don’t understand why I overthink everything.
Please, just please don’t give up on us.
I don’t need you to fight my fear with me, I just need you to understand.