1. The most significant relationship currently in your life is with your barista. You feel as if you’re cheating on them whenever a different person makes your drink, and heaven forbid you go to a different coffee shop.
2. The most protein you consume is from their Protein Bistro Box and when they sell out for the day you feel your muscles withering away.
3. One of your priciest bills of the month is your Starbucks expenses. Who needs groceries when you have dopio espressos?
4. You earnestly check your emails three times a week in hope there is a, “free drink reward,” in your inbox.
5. Genuinely frustrated is how you feel when other customers in line mispronounce the drink sizes. It is ven-ti ugh!
6. You have a different drink to reflect your different moods. On a day you’re feeling peppy you might spring for a venti passion tea lemonade with three pumps classic! On a day where you’re pissed off at the patriarchy you opt for an iced coffee as black as your soul. Your coffee order has become as much as a piece of iconography in your ensemble as your shoes.
7. You know when the coffee rushes will be, and strategically go to your Starbucks when you won’t have to wait long for your order. However, if you do happen to catch a huge rush you’re totally content with waiting 20 minutes for steamed milk and some syrup.
8. The prices of drinks have become seemingly reasonable and easy to justify in your mind. $4.90 that provides literally no nourishment to my body when it’s the recession and Wendy’s has a dollar menu?! whatever, lets do it.
9. Your #darkest nightmares are ones of the day you walk in to discover Starbucks has stopped selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes for the season. It’s even worse when you think about them running out of Creme Brulee syrup. The horror.
10. Your gold card status indicates that you’ve been coming to Starbucks consistently for five years plus. You’ve never been able to commit to anything else for more than two.
11. Everyone knows to stay out of your way due to your twitching left eye and shaking hands on a day when you don’t get your fix. You’re posed to metaphorically bite the head off of anyone who crosses you…or literally, whichever.