Growing up, I was bullied heavily because my classmates always assumed I was gay. There were days when the thought of going to school and attempting to learn on top of the taunting was way too much to deal with. On these days, I would feign a headache and my mom was kind enough to let me stay home from school. Now that i’m grown up and can no longer feign headaches due to bullying, I feign them because there are just some days where the idea of crawling out of bed before nine is too challenging. The days that I take off now as an adult I would still consider my ‘mental health days.” If you’re lucky enough to be in a financial situation where you are able to take a day off just for yourself, or you’re a student and you just don’t feel like going to class, mental health days are better for the soul than a good burrito or sex. It is a day where you can lounge around naked and remind yourself that whatever is troubling you is temporary. Here are my six tips to enjoying your mental health day to the fullest! It is a fleeting 24 hours.
Watch Maury’s Reckless Teens Special
Okay, reckless teens aren’t funny…except when they are. There is almost no way this could be real. Every teenager from the Internet age knows that burgers at McDonalds are a dollar and that you can probably find that change on the sidewalk. These teens giving away their bodies in exchange for cheeseburgers have to be scripted bullshit. At least, that’s what I tell myself. These tweens give me the delusion that maybe I, just maybe, might have my life somewhat together.
I have included a clip for you all, for journalistic purposes. I maintain that these are staged because there is no way:
Eat all the snack foods
If this is your mental health day; there is no room for your body insecurities on the couch. Indulge in whatever makes you the happiest. Maybe your vice is a whole pint of pineapple-coconut ice cream or some chocolate covered pretzels, this is your day to be as “disgusting” as you want. Go hard on your mental health day or go to work.
Take a bath
Epsom salt baths are a gift from whatever higher power may be onto peasants like me with aches and pains from constantly stressing out about my moderately comfortable life. Light a few candles and put on some relaxing tunes. This is truly bliss.
Nothing says mental health day like your hand down your pants to relieve some stress. Seriously, though, beat your meat like it owes you money. Masturbating one or nine times during your day will put you in a euphoric state somewhere comfortably between sleep coma and sexual satisfaction.
Sit outside and people watch
Whether it is outside your favorite coffee shop or on a park bench, people watching is America’s favorite past time. Forget baseball, people are fucking nosey and observing people reminds us all how un-alone we truly are. When you need a mental health day just to sort through everything that is going on, sometimes it is nice to be reminded that we’re all just stumbling through life. What better way to remind you of that than to watch a grown woman get pulled through a busy sidewalk by a child attached to a leash?
Turn off your phone
unless you have ridiculously pressing matters, your mental health day should be all about you. Turn off your phone for at least six hours. You won’t regret it. It is nice to unplug every once in a while to remind yourself what it was like to be truly by yourself. You’ll feel more at peace without subconsciously waiting for your phone to buzz or tweet or whatever social media the kids are into these days.
This article first appeared on BoyFactor