first I park the car then I fall in love w everyone around me
— audrey honeycuckold (@singing_ghosts) July 31, 2015
I hate when people cancel plans with me because chances are it’s been the only thing i’ve been looking forward to for the entire week
— ㅤ (@pIeasehelpme) July 30, 2015
everyone should be terrified to post online
— vrunt (@vrunt) July 31, 2015
**i may have @'ed a serial killer
— A (@angieisso) April 30, 2013
My aunt has been posting pictures of my grandma captioned "On vacation," and in all of the pics my grandma is doing some kind of housework
— Tuff Ghost (@Tiresiasfish) July 31, 2015
The best part of losing my virginity was all 17 of my pet fish saw the whole thing happen & they got really for real jealous of me .
— Karl From Online (@HammerFist3) July 31, 2015
You don't have to read my order out when I pick it up. You don't have to do that to me.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 31, 2015
*looks at some headphones* what are boooooose
— Dense Dog Advisory (@Qalpal) July 31, 2015
[At mall] I love your unwavering gaze when I tell you about my day. "Ma'am, leave the mannequins alone or I'm calling the police again"
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) July 24, 2015
i did it. i designed the best dorm poster of all time pic.twitter.com/cA7jSw3QfH
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) December 18, 2014
*technical support* "Try turning it off & turning it on" Ok *to computer* I haven't brushed my teeth but my tongue can do amazing things ;)
— Josh Cola (@SatansTongue) July 31, 2015
excuse me which computer can I watch porn from "sir this is an English class" oh sorry, from which computer may I watch porn
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 29, 2015
Ma, if u read this, I'm not the Jason Alexander accused of kiddie porn. Nor did I wed Britney Spears. There's a few JA's. I'm bald& ur son.
— jason alexander (@IJasonAlexander) July 30, 2015
This tree is being dramatic because his mom said no video games after dinner pic.twitter.com/LxQJPP5is3
— Caitie Delaney (@caitiedelaney) July 31, 2015
Is it worth it to be born into misery, & die alone for that brief chance to love? No. It's exactly the same as never being born. Enjoy Arbys
— Nihilist Arby's (@nihilist_arbys) May 21, 2015
"911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 27, 2015
Residue is the worst smell
— TopNotch GlamourChiK (@WillTwerk4Food) July 31, 2015