"People fear what they don't understand," Guy Fieri whispers to himself in the mirror, applying more bleach to his pubes.
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 5, 2015
[Struggling to open a package of fruit snacks in front of a hot babe] I swear to god this never happens
— Donnie (@donnie_fairburn) October 25, 2014
(studio audience laugh track continuously plays while I scoop ice cream into a bowl)
— jordan (she/her) (@NurseMurderer) April 26, 2015
"U can legally stab someone if u suspect they're a Gary."
-no you can't
*pulling knife from sheath*
"Sounds like somthin a Gary would say"
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 22, 2015
So how did you two meet?
*flashback to seeing her number on the inside of a porta potty*
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 19, 2015
I ate a Cheeto but it turned out to be a carrot.
This is the worst day of my life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2015
*Justin Bieber goes to jail
*Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest
*learns cellmate is dyslexic
— RaspberryheART (@Jenny4ashley) January 27, 2014
Whenever I ask my mom for something she always says "Go ask your father!" Then we laugh and laugh because I don't have a Dad
— Jay (@DirtMcTurd) June 18, 2015
faded af is my favorite palindrome
— Arielle (@jewfacekilla) June 16, 2015
Genie: "you get three wishes"
Me: "I wish I wasn't so alone"
Genie: "k wow I'm like right here"
— undead acct (@DillDoes) July 30, 2014
Doctor: do you smoke
Me: no, but I vape
Doctor: somebody call a doctor this guy is sick af lol
Me: but you're a doctor
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) June 19, 2015
Bae: Come over
Me: No I'm busy wallowing in my own cosmic worthlessness
Bae: My parents aren't home
Me: Is anyone home?
— Mouse on a Carousel (@CarouselMouse) November 8, 2014
Doe, a unicorn, a female unicorn
Bae, a shortening of babe
Me, the one within my selfie
So? the fucks I do not give
– The Sound of Twitter.
— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) July 29, 2014
[Family eating dinner]
MOM: Are we forgetting vegetables?
SON: But I hate vegetables
[sobbing from other room]
VEGETABLES: I WISH I WAS DEAD
— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇̈͟͡eest (@flashember) June 18, 2015
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
"A storm's comin"
[In the distance, Darude 'Sandstorm' can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 23, 2015
Michael J. Fox’s middle name is Jayfox
— i dont even know anymore (@LostCatDog) June 17, 2015
WHN ITS A MONDAY pic.twitter.com/Zd6JC0cTJB
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) June 22, 2015
me: i have a terrible headache
duck doctor: did someone say breadache pic.twitter.com/KghPYYbZJH
— Age of Computer (@scawn_) June 19, 2015