"People fear what they don't understand," Guy Fieri whispers to himself in the mirror, applying more bleach to his pubes.
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 5, 2015
[Struggling to open a package of fruit snacks in front of a hot babe] I swear to god this never happens
— Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) October 25, 2014
(studio audience laugh track continuously plays while I scoop ice cream into a bowl)
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) April 26, 2015
"U can legally stab someone if u suspect they're a Gary." -no you can't *pulling knife from sheath* "Sounds like somthin a Gary would say"
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 22, 2015
So how did you two meet? *flashback to seeing her number on the inside of a porta potty* "Through friends."
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 19, 2015
I ate a Cheeto but it turned out to be a carrot. This is the worst day of my life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 21, 2015
*Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) January 27, 2014
Whenever I ask my mom for something she always says "Go ask your father!" Then we laugh and laugh because I don't have a Dad
— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) June 18, 2015
faded af is my favorite palindrome
— Jewpac Kippur (@jewfacekilla) June 16, 2015
*rubs lamp* Genie: "you get three wishes" Me: "I wish I wasn't so alone" Genie: "k wow I'm like right here"
— Hooglese (@DillDoes) July 30, 2014
Doctor: do you smoke Me: no, but I vape Doctor: somebody call a doctor this guy is sick af lol Me: but you're a doctor
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 19, 2015
Bae: Come over Me: No I'm busy wallowing in my own cosmic worthlessness Bae: My parents aren't home Me: Is anyone home?
— Carousel Mouse (@MrJamesFeinberg) November 8, 2014
Doe, a unicorn, a female unicorn Bae, a shortening of babe Me, the one within my selfie So? the fucks I do not give - The Sound of Twitter.
— Wilde Thing (@WildeThingy) July 29, 2014
[picking up girl for first date] Her "everything ok?" Me *checking seatbelts on all my stuffed animals* "you can just never be too careful"
— foxy grandpa (@FoxCGrandpa) June 14, 2015
[Family eating dinner] MOM: Are we forgetting vegetables? SON: But I hate vegetables [sobbing from other room] VEGETABLES: I WISH I WAS DEAD
— ¥Wylde de Laserbeest (@flashember) June 18, 2015
*Cowboy stares at the horizon* "A storm's comin" [In the distance, Darude 'Sandstorm' can be heard faintly] *Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
— A-tron (@Abusitron) March 23, 2015
Michael J. Fox’s middle name is Jayfox
— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) June 17, 2015
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2012