big day over at buzz feed pic.twitter.com/goTU0YgMVI
— leon (@leyawn) February 27, 2015
They told me denim condoms were a terrible idea, that I shouldn't spend 10 thousand dollars inventing them. Well guess what? They were right
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 2, 2015
if u rub 2 Grown Ups 2 dvds together adam sandler will come out n grant u another bad movie
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) February 25, 2015
°barber pulls out a blowtorch° what'll it be
[Snowman] just a little off the top
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 23, 2015
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) February 27, 2015
Rock: *grabs Scissors* Give me your money!
*saloon doors open*
Paper: Let him go
*Rock's face turns pale white*
— huntigula (@huntigula) February 27, 2015
"What's your bid?"
"You think this dinette set costs $6.4 million?"
*lips right on mic* Yes.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) August 19, 2014
ROB LOWE: I'm Rob Lowe
ROB LOWE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS: And I'm a punchline because the fabric of our society is cruelty woven by broken hands
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) February 28, 2015
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
— ann (@omically) February 25, 2015
[me training a new employee on how to use the copy machine]
This fuckin robot can clone documents
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 18, 2015
Hi. I'm Frank. I'll be your waiter. Can I get you some water? Some napkins? Can I touch your face? Can I put my hands on your face?
— Cryptocurrent Sea (@SortaBad) February 24, 2015
Swords just aren't naturally "wooooshy" enough for me, that's why I add the noise. That's why I add the noise, Janet.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) May 29, 2014
Here's a little diddy about Jack and Diane, two american kids growing up with their goth dad
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) February 26, 2015
Astronaut: How long until dinner's ready, honey?
Astronaut Wife: "About twenty mi-"
A: [shaking head]
AW: [sigh] "T-minus twenty minutes"
— Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) February 17, 2015
this one has claws
This one swims but can't fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 18, 2015
*A Brit's tweet is 1 character too long*
*He sighs & deletes the U from 'colour'*
*The Queen materialises from thin air and pimp-slaps him*
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 28, 2014