17 Funny Twitter Jokes To Make Your Day Even Better

my dad keeps trying to show me dilbert cartoons

— oikofob (@YakovPettersson) March 11, 2015

Just watched a 375 lb neckless man emerge from a Mini Cooper & now I feel like I've somehow experienced the miracle of birth.

— Cookie’s Eye Candy Redux (@sfreeze6) March 11, 2015

Doc: [using stethoscope] Ok, now take a deep breath
Me: [inhales deeply]
Doc: HAHA LOL I JUST FARTED BREATHE IT IN SUCKER

— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 11, 2015

[Incredible] One Kid's Skateboard Trick Nearly Leads To Political Chaos

— 𝔫𝔦𝔤𝔤𝔞 𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔱𝔦𝔰 (@jetgreguar) March 11, 2015

https://twitter.com/MrPhetz/status/575748216739602433

Choose which hill you want to die on and then avoid that hill.

— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 11, 2015

Captain: I need you to tie up those ropes
Pirate: I can knot
Captain: and why not?
Pirate: because you told me to

— Knipples (@StevieKnip) March 11, 2015

TOP SECRET ILLUMINATI MEETING. RUBY TUESDAY. 8 PM. BRING BEADS SO WE CAN TRY TO GET CHICKS TO SHOW US THEIR TITS. OVER.

— Adam Cayton-Holland (@CaytonHolland) March 11, 2015

https://twitter.com/oellejay/status/570776710590955522

Man in the Yellow Hat: So what killed my cat?

Detective: I'd say…curiosity.

*George hides a bloody knife behind his back*

— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 11, 2015

Top 3 Things That Don't Exist

1) sober leprechauns

2) straight unicorns

3) dudes over the age of 25 named "Brayden"

— Cookie’s Eye Candy Redux (@sfreeze6) March 11, 2015

https://twitter.com/lazyboneskuehn/status/575726773117280256

https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/575751421225754625

https://twitter.com/DABUTTCOLLECTOR/status/575749719483420672

I have never crapped and I will not crap until I'm married

— John E. Cakes (@mattytalks) March 11, 2015

https://twitter.com/glietzsche/status/575740858328346625

Just Tokyo drifted my Mazda 3 into a parking spot in front of Home Depot and the other dads are holding grills over their heads and cheering

— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Astrologist, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) March 8, 2015