nah i'm not scared of ghosts. they're scared of me. lookit this one, opening doors for me and shit. THANKS ghostsy. that one's named ghostsy
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 3, 2015
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
— joesph (@sad_tree) February 24, 2015
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 3, 2015
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His nostrils were wider, like the mouth of a dying seagull. He had the hairline of a wildebeest.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 3, 2015
[kidnapped by guy who turns his victims into human board games]
Captive: sorry, but why'd you pick me?
Maniac: oh you'll be Sorry alright
— Knipples (@StevieKnip) March 3, 2015
I get thru life similar to the way I get thru singing along to Semi Charmed Life. I just make sounds that seem correct & hope no one notices
— grace spelman: spokeswoman for loving alan alda (@GraceSpelman) March 3, 2015
*stares at woman's chest*
Are those real?
*I reach out and grab Star Wars figures she was holding*
An unopened Boba Fett. I love you.
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) March 3, 2015
"Do what you love." ~Rich people
— Erica (@SCbchbum) August 7, 2014
He died doing what he loved: typing in his needlessly elaborate phone password while driving
— Ristolable (@ristolable) March 3, 2015
Crying man – "my business is failing"
Me – "that's a terrible idea for a business"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 2, 2015
there are billions of irony levels that haven't even been discovered yet
— Fright Shark (@FrightShark) March 3, 2015