nah i'm not scared of ghosts. they're scared of me. lookit this one, opening doors for me and shit. THANKS ghostsy. that one's named ghostsy
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 3, 2015
*walks into dinosaur museum* You guys got any velociraptors? "Sir this is the Canadian embassy" Oh sorry. Got any velociraptours?
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 3, 2015
*me petting my cat* CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be *a door opens* CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
— Sad Tree (@sad_tree) February 24, 2015
[describing criminal to sketch artist] His nostrils were wider, like the mouth of a dying seagull. He had the hairline of a wildebeest.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 3, 2015
[kidnapped by guy who turns his victims into human board games] Captive: sorry, but why'd you pick me? Maniac: oh you'll be Sorry alright
— Stevie (@StevieKnip) March 3, 2015
I get thru life similar to the way I get thru singing along to Semi Charmed Life. I just make sounds that seem correct & hope no one notices
— chris pratt's arms (@gspels) March 3, 2015
✔ nude man vlogging from bathtub ✔ nude man vlogging from bathtub ✔ nude man vlogging from bathtub pic.twitter.com/pjaoUu436G
— Famous Scotty Tonga (@ScottyTonga) March 3, 2015
*stares at woman's chest* Are those real? "Yes" *I reach out and grab Star Wars figures she was holding* An unopened Boba Fett. I love you.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 3, 2015
"Do what you love." ~Rich people
— Erica (@SCbchbum) August 7, 2014
I like to leave origami on trains for people to find & keep but write insults in them that they'll never know about pic.twitter.com/Lpkfpm7Iox
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 23, 2015
He died doing what he loved: typing in his needlessly elaborate phone password while driving
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 3, 2015
Crying man – "my business is failing" Me – "that's a terrible idea for a business"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 2, 2015
there are billions of irony levels that haven't even been discovered yet
— Fright Shark (@FrightShark) March 3, 2015
No you can't make me dance, aw shite ok FINE pic.twitter.com/WaqFEIO5As
— ♥Maria♥ (@MsDBZbabe) March 3, 2015