"Sure, I'll be there," I politely decline
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 8, 2014
What do you mean you're out of Baja Blast pic.twitter.com/5vhxrUdog9
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) September 26, 2014
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
— picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
You can give your carrots names but then it is sadder when you eat them
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) October 20, 2014
Cool kid – "my dad works at Nintendo" Really cool kid – "my dad is CEO of Nintendo" Me – "my dad is in hospital because he punched a toilet"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 24, 2015
[kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 19, 2015
"dad can I get a tattoo?" no [10 minutes later] out of curiosity, what did you wanna get? "dinosaur revving a dirtbike" I'll ask your mother
— Brent (@murrman5) November 6, 2014
*dunks a basketball* you know what's a real slam dunk kids? maintaining a healthy clean ass
— deg (@degg) January 18, 2015
today, a swedish man asked for my name. i mumbled "michael" man: marco? that's a weird name. me: uh it's – man: my name is oven.
— bad boy michael (@ughHugs) February 24, 2015
[Scientific Conference] Scientist 1: So science? Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
— Todd Williams (@TheToddWilliams) January 16, 2015
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 14, 2015
BART: what is your job? BARTENDER: I am a bartender *Barts eyes widen* BART: A Bart ender?
— luke (@internetluke) February 26, 2015
i just read a fan fiction called Goku meets Cat Dog and i am looking into pursuing legal action to have it removed from the web
— love_that_goku (@Love_that_Goku) February 7, 2014
Old people rude as hell pic.twitter.com/kpGBJjhzYs
— Trouble McAdams (@Hollywoodheat) February 24, 2015
"911" Hi yeah my wife's having contractions, we need an ambulance "Is this her first baby?" No, this is her husband
— Yael (@elle91) January 27, 2015
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
— bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
[emergency room] "We need to put pressure on the wound!" [to wound] We've been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 16, 2015
you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road
— sskylark (@sskylark) November 19, 2011
u seem very updog "ok" ur jus so.. updog "ok" u kno, updog "ok" hav u heard of updog JUDGE: do u or do u not have questions for the witness
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 22, 2015
did u know gangnam styles is Harry styles older brother ?
— 1 cute gril (@a_cute_bug) February 24, 2015
bills.. more bills.. more bills [nudges wife] i told you this tour of the duck factory would be shit
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 27, 2015
French Tom Hanks sits with a typewriter. He begins to type. "Wilson, Thy red face is a rose" He sips his wine. pic.twitter.com/gRn21LMqQW
— Vape Extreme (@NoiceVape) February 26, 2015
*around a fire* There used to be no iMessage *kids gasp* "So there were a lot of green messages?" THEY WERE ALL GREEN MESSAGES *kids scream*
— Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) December 27, 2014
[after losing boxing match] "Do u regret saying you could win the fight with one arm tied behind your back" [looking at wrong camera] "Yes"
— AnOnion (@onion_an) February 20, 2015
Things I'm not good at making: A) Beds 2. Love 5rd: Lists
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 29, 2014
there's always one asshole who shows up to a party with an acoustic guitar and 400 lizards
— eric (@dubstep4dads) February 21, 2015
DOG COP: [walks past car] [sees own reflection in window] Sir you can't park here [taps glass] Don't copy me [pulls gun] HE'S GOT A GUN
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015