[pigeon writing in diary] UGH TODAY SUCKS [hansel & gretel walk by leaving trail of bread crumbs] [feverishly pulls out eraser]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) November 24, 2014
*gives you dictionary for your birthday* wow.. i don't know what to say "that's why i bought it for you"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2014
[aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) November 15, 2014
“I’ll have a rum and coke” Is pepsi ok? “Sure whatever” *hands you a pepsi and coke*
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
How do you expect to raise a child when you can't even raise the roof, Martha
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 27, 2014
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) August 18, 2014
Grandma, if I came here to answer questions I would have worn my 'question answering shirt' but I'm wearing my 'Popsicle eating' shirt. Move
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) November 12, 2014
[looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 27, 2014
Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?
— Maebe Marbles (@maebemarbles) July 20, 2014
[cooking eggs over easy] So excited for these over easy eggs *punctures yolk* Scrambled eggs it is
— luke (@internetluke) December 6, 2014
*clerk puts up 50% off cargo shorts sign* *ground rumbles* *manager runs out* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE *dads crash thru wall with Discover cards*
— Bucky Mistletope (@BuckyIsotope) November 25, 2014
[at mexican restaurant] "would u like more water" its ok buddy u can call it agua im cool I took spanish in high school
— skza (@SaulKewl) July 27, 2014
[group of dads enters curtain store] Hi can I help you? [in unison] I CURTAINLY HOPE SO [nonstop laughter & high 5s for next 45 mins]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 1, 2014
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) November 8, 2014
*disciples at the last supper* *jesus stands up* let's play "never have i ever" never have i ever betrayed the Son of God *stares at judas*
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 8, 2013
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video! *clicks on "Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?"* Haha whoops wrong video but LET'S HEAR IT OUT
— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2014
[runs up to billy joel, out of breath] not much what's… [sucking air] what's uptown girl with you
— €||i0τ (@gato_fumando) October 9, 2014
When a hunk doesn't get back to you pic.twitter.com/uyi4nl1RJo
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 12, 2014
