[pigeon writing in diary]
UGH TODAY SUCKS
[hansel & gretel walk by leaving trail of bread crumbs]
[feverishly pulls out eraser]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) November 24, 2014
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don't know what to say
"that's why i bought it for you"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2014
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) November 15, 2014
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
How do you expect to raise a child when you can't even raise the roof, Martha
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 27, 2014
Grandma, if I came here to answer questions I would have worn my 'question answering shirt' but I'm wearing my 'Popsicle eating' shirt. Move
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) November 12, 2014
[looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool]
"Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 27, 2014
Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?
— Maebe Marbles (@maebemarbles) July 20, 2014
[cooking eggs over easy]
So excited for these over easy eggs
Scrambled eggs it is
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) December 6, 2014
*clerk puts up 50% off cargo shorts sign*
*manager runs out*
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*dads crash thru wall with Discover cards*
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) November 25, 2014
[group of dads enters curtain store]
Hi can I help you?
I CURTAINLY HOPE SO
[nonstop laughter & high 5s for next 45 mins]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 1, 2014
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) November 8, 2014
*disciples at the last supper*
*jesus stands up*
let's play "never have i ever" never have i ever betrayed the Son of God
*stares at judas*
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 8, 2013
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on "Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?"*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET'S HEAR IT OUT
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) March 5, 2014
When a hunk doesn't get back to you pic.twitter.com/uyi4nl1RJo
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 12, 2014