*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine* "Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then.." *son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 13, 2014
Two years ago I told the kid blue is my favorite color so let me know if you want 3,000 bits of paper with little blue scribbles on them
— Gabriel Roth (@gabrielroth) December 10, 2014
Changes from yoga pants and gray hoodie to jeans and pink hoodie. - what I just did so I'd "look more dressy" to go out.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 20, 2014
[chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014
When a shark eats u but ur too badass to stay eaten pic.twitter.com/nyQI3UDMc1
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) December 23, 2014
Hold my clarinet while I rough these dudes up.
— Dr Thunderhunk 3000 (@Thunderhunk3000) February 13, 2014
"My grandma died" "I'm sorry to hear that" "They're gonna paint her face and put her in a box on display if you wanna come have a look"
— patrick (@tastefactory) December 23, 2014
911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
— The Rolo ツ (@TheRolo) September 25, 2014
look officer i know i was speeding but they stop selling egg mcmuffins in 7 minutes follow me sir, if i use the siren we might make it
— FRⓄ VⓄ (@fro_vo) August 12, 2014
look at my cane collection, i’ve earned these from boss battles i’ve won by the park. i am currently level 25. they were mostly all level 78
— Michael (@ughHugs) October 2, 2014
[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
Joke's on you, whoever wrote "Your Dad Sucks" on my driveway. I never taught my kids to read.
— ibid (@ibid78) December 20, 2014
Cashier: Enjoy your lunch! "You too!" Cashier: I'm not eating *leans in close and whispers* "Fuck you I was just being nice"
— Rob Elliott (@RobElliottComic) December 11, 2014
cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
— YUNG SPIDER GOD (@haleysfalling) August 12, 2014
A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today "Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 14, 2014
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
— Schlimp (@schlimp) November 28, 2014
"New year, new me" I say as I finish peeling off the top layer of my skin
— ya baby dril (@yaboydil) December 14, 2014
[pigeon cop at fast food joint] I'll have the breaded chicken sandwich please. Hold the chicken [winks at partner]
— Pigeon Cop (@PigeonCop) December 22, 2014
I fucking LOVE science. *is handed peer reviewed journal* Haha nonono I meant CGI pictures of space with misattributed quotes as captions
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 17, 2014