age 9: i want cereal for dinner age 19: i can only afford cereal for dinner age 29: actually, it's best to eat 5 smaller cereal meals a day
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 8, 2014
set ur alarm to play the jurasic park theme song evry mornimg so when u groan abot not wanting to wake up u'll feel like a majestic dinosuar
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 17, 2014
My friends have called their baby Dawn & their surname is Oftheplanetoftheapes. Gonna be awkward when they realise
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 12, 2014
I can't come in today because *glances at news site* of that big fire "That was yesterday" Oh I meant *hits refresh* I was stabbed to death
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 9, 2014
It'd be funny if the entire theme song played after every single joke on Friends.
— patrick (@tastefactory) May 31, 2013
Just saw an air freshener so big they had to tie it on top of the car
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 5, 2014
[elephant paints] aww just like a human [elephant argues online] uhh [elephant buys a gun] ok stop acting human
— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) September 16, 2014
[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile] awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) December 6, 2014
kids today with their "selfies".. whatever happened to becoming mesmerised by your own reflection in a pond, and then drowning in the pond
— exiting corpse (@exitingcorpse) December 6, 2014
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) April 16, 2014
WITNESS: The bad guy is getting away! *pigeon cop poops on the suspect's car* PIGEON COP: Don't worry, I put a tracking device on the car
— Pigeon Cop (@PigeonCop) December 4, 2014
me: what a lovely day! even the flowers are singing! flowers (singing): the sins of our forefathers bind us to the dirt
— max account (@maxlavergne) October 16, 2014
Imagine writing an 'F' on an 'Art Gallery' sign HAHAHA "ARF GALLERY" LMAO A MUSEUM FOR DOGS!? LOL TOO GOOD
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) November 30, 2014
[on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.
— Bucky Mistletope (@BuckyIsotope) November 28, 2014
Officer: Sir, hand over your phone please Me: ok, one sec pic.twitter.com/dbBOTcPTFS
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 29, 2014
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— patrick (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
[family member does something slightly unusual at thanksgiving dinner] Haha my family is crazy. Unlike me, the guy who compulsively tweets
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) November 28, 2014
letters definitely get cooler and more extreme as they get closer to the end of the alphabet
— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) November 24, 2014
Can you imagine if a bird got on a plane and sat in one of the seats? I'd absolutely lose it. "You don't need to be here" I'd say
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 16, 2014
Man, I can't believe how many old, seemingly forgotten things are returning this week! Jurassic Park. Star Wars. Institutional racism.
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) November 25, 2014
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
— Ryan (@Karate_Horse) November 24, 2014
Can't believe how much Frozen merchandise there is for xmas this year. I've even seen an ad for a frozen turkey
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 17, 2014
If a tree falls in the forest I hope it lands on my cousin Julie
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 8, 2014
*buzzing in* Alex Trebek: Yes, Elle. Me: Warsaw. AT: Mm, we need that in the form of a question. Me: Is it fucking Warsaw Alex?
— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 12, 2014