age 9: i want cereal for dinner
age 19: i can only afford cereal for dinner
age 29: actually, it's best to eat 5 smaller cereal meals a day
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 8, 2014
Pat is about to own someone pic.twitter.com/ep93Y2ojv3
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) December 17, 2014
set ur alarm to play the jurasic park theme song evry mornimg so when u groan abot not wanting to wake up u'll feel like a majestic dinosuar
— new york times bestselling AUTHOR JONNY SUN (@jonnysun) December 17, 2014
My friends have called their baby Dawn & their surname is Oftheplanetoftheapes. Gonna be awkward when they realise
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 12, 2014
I can't come in today because *glances at news site* of that big fire
"That was yesterday"
Oh I meant *hits refresh* I was stabbed to death
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 9, 2014
It'd be funny if the entire theme song played after every single joke on Friends.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 31, 2013
Just saw an air freshener so big they had to tie it on top of the car
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 5, 2014
aww just like a human
[elephant argues online]
[elephant buys a gun]
ok stop acting human
— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) September 16, 2014
[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) December 6, 2014
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) April 16, 2014
me: what a lovely day! even the flowers are singing!
flowers (singing): the sins of our forefathers bind us to the dirt
— ringworm (@prawn_meat) October 16, 2014
Imagine writing an 'F' on an 'Art Gallery' sign
A MUSEUM FOR DOGS!?
LOL TOO GOOD
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) November 30, 2014
[on first date]
Yes I'll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don't speak French
*points at menu*
"The French toast, sir?"
Yeah. 6 of those.
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) November 28, 2014
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
[family member does something slightly unusual at thanksgiving dinner] Haha my family is crazy. Unlike me, the guy who compulsively tweets
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) November 28, 2014
Can you imagine if a bird got on a plane and sat in one of the seats? I'd absolutely lose it. "You don't need to be here" I'd say
— Ristolable (@ristolable) April 16, 2014
Can't believe how much Frozen merchandise there is for xmas this year. I've even seen an ad for a frozen turkey
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 17, 2014
If a tree falls in the forest I hope it lands on my cousin Julie
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 8, 2014
Alex Trebek: Yes, Elle.
AT: Mm, we need that in the form of a question.
Me: Is it fucking Warsaw Alex?
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) December 12, 2014