Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 10, 2014
Had a tweet about beer but it's just a draft.
— Sharla Tsweb (@eye_spyder) October 16, 2013
*Crowd joins in slowly*
*Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum*
— A Pile of Cheese (@Cheese_Pile) June 26, 2014
"Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 27, 2014
[Gods wife walks in]
"What are you doing with those bits of neck?"
*God spins around holding a giraffe* LOL. Look at this fuckin thing Linda
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) October 9, 2014
Obama: I have a meeting.
Biden: I have a meeting.
Obama: Stop copying me.
Biden: Stop copying me. pic.twitter.com/s0PrZIG4Vf
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 25, 2014
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
— Olan Devine (@OlanDevine) January 22, 2014
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇̈͟͡eest (@flashember) August 4, 2013
"I have a bone to pick with you," I say, shovel in hand, as I lead my girlfriend through the cemetery. I want a femur, but she likes tibias.
— Chili's Superfan (@ranndrew) December 9, 2014
My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) September 30, 2014
[on a plane]
Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff"
Me: "Sure, can I have two?"
*puts one in each ear*
— Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) December 14, 2014
Seeing an Android screenshot reminds me of the time my dad lost his job
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 16, 2014
This concert sucks. What song is this?
"Shhh! She's playing Mozart."
"Shhh! She's only seven!"
(whispers) shhhh-ee sucks.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 11, 2014
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 20, 2014
[at Taco Bell]
Hi I’d like a case of dillas
“Sir, do you mean a quesadilla?”
[leans all the way over the counter]
Do I look Spanish to you?
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 12, 2014
"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last girl. *flings back cape* I came straight from work."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) December 15, 2014