PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 26, 2014
Please remain seated until we've reached the gate, then feel free to stand hunched over weirdly sideways for 15 minutes while we do whatever
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) December 23, 2014
murderer: I just wanted to call and remind you of your appointment at 3:30 tomorrow for me to come murder you
me: yeah that should be fine— slick (@dlicj) December 21, 2014
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
"Wait. Then that means-"
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]— unionize cia assets (@SamGrittner) December 18, 2014
*Orders pizza*
What a night
*Phone buzzes*
And a text? Killing it
*checks phone*
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) December 17, 2014
https://twitter.com/tarashoe/status/546594247143460864
POOF
*genie appears*
What is your wish
"How about to be happy for the rest of my life"
Are you happy right now?
"Yeah"
*genie kills me*
POOF— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) December 20, 2014
https://twitter.com/crylenol/status/548664962609348609
when u show up to the wrong party but u too awkward to leave & evrybody at the party think that sombody else brougt u pic.twitter.com/9MwToY3Huk
— new york times bestselling AUTHOR JONNY SUN (@jonnysun) December 26, 2014
This maze sucks pic.twitter.com/QeGfKEoxSk
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) December 26, 2014
Shout out to surgeons for using violence to help people
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 23, 2014
We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 23, 2014
Well I'm not really sure why you put "Baby: Ages 0-6" on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) December 15, 2014
https://twitter.com/BromanConsul/status/471162580657270786
the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up
— wint (@dril) December 19, 2014
🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 🎶
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 17, 2014
