Batman: QUICK how much do you weigh
Me: Uh, 112, I think
*Batman shoots grappling gun*
*Rope snaps & we both die*
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 1, 2013
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) August 15, 2014
[Jesus at the bar]
"Oh, I'll just have a water"
*winks at camera*
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) October 19, 2013
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
If I were a vampire I'd watch all the YouTube. It's not wasting time if you live forever.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) September 2, 2012
We'd be in a lot better shape as a society if the act of turning a ball cap around sterilized you.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) September 3, 2013
A text so confusing you burn his house down just in case.
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 21, 2014
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) January 11, 2013
An atheist, a vegan and an iPhone 5s owner walk into a bar. How do you know? They make sure to tell you.
— blopt (@blopt) November 1, 2013
I wish I could skip dating and go right to the part of the relationship where we watch Netflix and hate each other.
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) November 13, 2013
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 19, 2013
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) October 12, 2013
getting fake boobs is like sewing a panda to your head, everyone loves pandas but dude wtf
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 28, 2012
BARELY LEGAL LESBIANS XXX (90min): watch as two thirty-year-old women exchange their wedding vows just inside the Vermont state border
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 21, 2013
I think this bra creates a little too much cleavage. Someone just stared at my chest and said, "Nice ass."
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) July 2, 2010
"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"
"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) January 29, 2013
it's weird that Mario still plays golf and rides go-karts with the guy who violently kidnapped his girlfriend numerous times.
— lawblob (@lawblob) October 19, 2013
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
— Just Jason (@longwall26) September 27, 2013
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Then he hides real quick so Ricky Gervais won't see him.
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 7, 2013
HEY REMEMBER BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER WHEN THE A/C KILLS HIMSELF
"Not now, brain-"
HAHA ME TOO. HERE'S SOME MORE CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) June 18, 2013
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) September 6, 2013
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references:
princes kneel before you
Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
— Ace… Ace? (@AceMakesWords) April 12, 2013
One of the coolest tricks you can do with a yo-yo is hang yourself
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 17, 2013
The 80's called they want your hair back HAHAHA jk it was the police your wife has been in a terrible car accident
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) March 24, 2013
imagine gettin fitted for a tux and the guy makes measurements w/ a fruit-by-the-foot and neither of you say a word about it the whole time
— ©hris™ (@ChrisTrauma) June 19, 2013