When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) May 18, 2013
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) August 20, 2013
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.
— MJ (@sucittaM) January 14, 2013
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) June 23, 2013
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 17, 2013
A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & sobs into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 5, 2013
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 20, 2013
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) April 4, 2013
i ask my dates the important questions upfront like "are you cool with a harry potter themed wedding"
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 5, 2013
Romance: During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there's an engagement ring on it
— blake (@Leemanish) October 15, 2013
these chicks at the park aren't into u bros they just wanna pet ur dog. i,ll explain more later when i done crawlin around in dog costume
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) February 22, 2013
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DON’T SING THE CHORUS YOU’LL MAKE IT WORSE
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood 2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures 3. Get all the cats
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 22, 2013
I'm sorry, is your name Jaden Smith? No? Then don't tell me how to live my life.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 16, 2013
“Um.” – 1st horse that got ridden
— baba ghanoush (@rorynotroy) June 23, 2013
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 27, 2013
If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) May 27, 2013
every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can't help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 28, 2013
As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) July 19, 2013