Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 1, 2012
make your date feel important by asking lots of questions and holding an invisible mic to her mouth for every answer
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 18, 2014
Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014
Are there glory holes for just holding hands?
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 8, 2013
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) December 3, 2013
*nervously plays with tie*
"I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."
That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
— brent (@murrman5) October 26, 2013
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) March 8, 2014
There's not a fat person alive who wants to hear who they remind you of.
— Ramsey Merbert (@4anno) October 9, 2012
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 8, 2012
Sorry, what were you saying? My stupid baby fell over. pic.twitter.com/7WrDRVU2rM
— Tater's Trailer Park 🇨🇦 (@TrueTorontoGirl) September 11, 2014
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 27, 2013
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
— ceej (@ceejoyner) October 13, 2012
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 16, 2012
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 17, 2014