25 Hilarious Jokes That Will Instantly Make Your Day Better

Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 12, 2014

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) September 5, 2012

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

— colonel rob fee (@robfee) March 8, 2014

https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/125316567935352832

I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 25, 2013

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) June 28, 2013

Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011

https://twitter.com/ConorTripler/status/466415888435249152

You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?

— Lisa Beth Johnson (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012

Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 25, 2012

The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012

The first month of dating is just the guy saying "What?! You've never seen (movie title)?!" hundreds of times.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013

When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 3, 2013

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

— Mae (@mzeld) February 23, 2013

When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) May 24, 2011

https://twitter.com/TurboGrandma/status/97461717583400960

https://twitter.com/famouscrab/status/156581657594433537

https://twitter.com/senderblock23/status/167738284766793728

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

— Cryptocurrent Sea (@SortaBad) September 26, 2011

https://twitter.com/Im_Tricia/status/121045304928772096